Namibia was a month full of substantial amounts of growth, new perspectives and understandings of my heart, and a deepening in my relationship with the Lord. Each month, God brings up a new challenge, a lesson to learn, and faithfully provides direction to keep moving forward along with it. You can either jump on board and work through the crap or turn the other way and say, "Not today God, not right now, not this month." I am realizing that the more I choose into his plans, the more I thrive.
I began the month in a familiar place that I once sat in prior to the race. I felt anxious, distant from the Lord, and inadequate to fulfill this new role as a squad leader. In more ways than one, God quickly checked me and reminded me that anxiety comes into my heart when I fail to seek him and trust his provision. It took a few days to grasp why I was revisiting this area of my life yet again but discovered quickly that I was missing a key factor in my relationship with God. Rather than seeking him and trusting him to take over, I opted into doing it on my own. To say you trust someone and actually walk that out, are two entirely different things. I've operated out of that disconnect in many relationships throughout my life and unfortunately began to let it be normal for it to be lacking. As much as I told myself that I trust in the Lord with all my heart, it was very evident that I was falling short in a lot of ways. Every challenge that came my way I tried to take on out of my own strength, an approach that I once thought worked in previous years of my life, which often times were a mess.
To trust means to possess belief that someone or something is reliable, good, honest, and effective. In order to trust someone, you must know their character, and as much as I thought I knew the Father, and as confidently as I felt I rested in his promises, I actually was lying to myself and to him. So yeah, a lot of my time this month was spent reading through the psalms, really seeking out the characteristics of the Lord, what he promises to us and how he loves me specifically. Jesus is both promise and fulfillment, a statement I can confidently say I am striving to rest in daily.
His promises were hard to find in more areas than one at the start of this month. The orphanage we worked and lived at was full of so much love, joy and sadness all bundled up in one package. I know that poverty exists in so many places of the world, but to live smack dab in the middle of it and see with my own eyes the daily struggles that they walk in was hard. I spent many moments angry with the Lord, asking him why He allows these children to go some days without food, why they wear the same torn up garments of clothing day after day, why they have to live in a constant worry of whether money will show up for the bills at the end of the month. With 85 children here, I didn't understand how they could possibly all feel loved and cared for by Mommy and Papi alone.
The cool thing about talking to God and asking him questions is his willingness to provide the answers. He doesn't just sit and watch the sadness from above, content with the level of need that so many people possess, all while a good portion of the world sits in a whole lot of privilege. That was one of the biggest sources of my anger and confusion this month, why are we so damn privileged and others are born into a lifestyle of fighting for survival and love daily.
Through it all, God reminded me very quickly that I can sit in my lack of understanding of the gap between us and them, or I can seek his heart in it. The pain and suffering breaks his heart even more than it does ours. Yes, He is all powerful and could eliminate the hurt it in a second. He doesn't will for it to happen, he puts his trust and faith in those of us who are privileged to be the vessels for those in need. Just as any good father or teacher, simply fixing the problem of the sin in the world and faults of man won't teach us how to be good stewards of the things we have, nor will it teach us how to have compassionate and helping hearts. How lucky are we that he loves us and trusts us THAT much that we are given the opportunity to change lives. We get to be Jesus to others and provide that love and hope to keep moving forward, the reassurance that he will provide. There is a gap between those of us who are privileged and those who are in need, but it's up to us to bridge that gap, to be good stewards of the privilege we are given, not turn a blind eye to those that weren't given that blessing.
It's funny that trust was my main area of growth this month, because the people of Moria Grace orphanage trust the Father so much. They trust that He will provide each day and on the days that he doesn't, they love him even more so because of it. I was blessed with the opportunity to tangibly see God use those that love him to provide for this orphanage, to be a vessel. People showed up weekly, donating toys, food, and money. Some were consistent donors, and others had never even heard of Moria Grace, but obediently listened to the Lord has he directed them to this home. We as a team were able to love on these kids and the staff for an entire month. We had bible studies with both the kids and adults, we did art projects, we danced in the rain, we cooked good food, we learned African songs and dances, and we had the ability to pour into a woman named Teresa who rents out a room at the home. We spent a simple yet beautiful Christmas with this family that we grew to love abundantly.
This month was hard if I'm being honest. There were significant cultural differences, hard lessons to learn, and a lot of need that my heart so deeply wanted to fix entirely. There were tears, misunderstandings, laughter – but overall a whole lot of joy. The Lord rocked my world this month. Though it was hard to be away for the holidays for the first time, Teresa asked me to be her new little baby Faith's godmother on Christmas, a blessing that will always keep my heart in Namibia. Transitioning into South Africa, I felt refreshed, renewed, and hungrier than ever to press into the Lords goodness.
Love you and miss you all!!!!
Jami
*I apologize for the lapse between blogs. Wifi has been challenging in Africa accompanied by a lot of chaos with planning for debrief this past month. I will post another blog soon about my month in South Africa!
