I have been wrestling with God a lot recently because He is so big and because He loves it. I feel like I wrestle more with Him than many others do, but only because He created me to wrestle with Him like that. Sometimes I am angry, yelling and kicking as I rush at Him and tangle myself in Him in a flurry of activity and fear. But always in the end, the picture I get is of a child and father, exhausted from a romp together laughing because it was meant for intimacy. So I continue to wrestle. I want intimacy.
I read about a story of a young married woman who had a surgery to prevent some sort of cancer, and in the process, a nerve in her face was cut to ensure that disease could not spread. After the surgery she looked at the doctor and her husband in agony, pushing the mirror away disblief, asking if she would be this way forever.
‘Yes,” said the doctor sadly, I’m afraid so.”
The woman could not muster the courage to look at her husband, but he did not seem to mind and slowly came over to her.
“It’s kinda cute,” he said with a smile and they continued to talk for a moment. Then the husband reached down and kissed her softly on the lips, conforming his lips to hers.
The other night I prayed with agony, telling God that I hate to feel that way, as an ackward lover always usure of how to act around Him. But it seems that God reminded me to relax and not worry for we are all unsure, but He will never gives cause to fret. His lips will reach down and find us as we are- twisted though we may be. How absurd huh? Yet true. The maker of heaven and earth kisses me and calls me son though I deserve punishment.
Our team has felt that this month will different for us. We will be splitting up- three staying in Gordon’s Bay to rest and to seek God in a quiet, intimate way, while three of us will be going off, ready to test our faith in His provision. Alissa, Amy and Lynette will be staying back to learn how to pray more, to seek God with the friends that we have made here and I am sure that they will find how God answers their prayers. Sarah, Leah and myself will be leaving on Tuesday to go up to Windhoek, Namibia and then from there to Livingstone, Zambia and possibly Zimbabwe. We want God to direct us and to remain open to how He works so we will not be trying to set up the ministry as much as finding where He wants us to join in with Him. Please continue to pray for us all and in particular for our bank card to arrive. A few weeks ago, it accidentally broke in half and so is now useless to use in an ATM. So we had to have our new card sent to an address in Pretoria, and then hopefully here, but we leave in two days. It is frustrating but I know that God works in that somehow too. Anyways, remember that who you are is not what you do. Our sonship and daughtership come from the King Almighty and our doing comes from our identity and not the other way around.
