I was broken.
I was poured out like a vessel of clay and thrown down on the rocks of Africa and shattered.
My faith, my beliefs were all rearranged because they were not all mine. I didn’t own them. It was like this jar of clay was written on by all the people around me except God. So while in Mozambique it came crashing down.
I was burned out. I was broken down. I was tired, worn, sick of religion and frustrated with missions. And God looked at me and said, ” Aah, now this is what I can work with.”
Not that He can’t work with me at any other place, but I feel like God loves the broken because there is not much to distract them away from Him. They stand naked before God, their souls exposed in an undignified and shameful way before their Creator, and He says simply, “I know you and I love you.” I was there. I still am.
In Mozambique, most people from Squad B had their best month. There were many healings and signs, salvation had come in a mighty way and the Spirit was flowing through the group. But I was done. I wanted out. I spent my time away from the ministry because I felt like a fraud. I felt betrayed because I had done so much of my life for the approval of others. Or the approval of myself. I don’t know which. But I know that this past month was critical for me and my walk. I pondered on whether to stay or go home.
Then God came to me when I was angry and said start over.
“Start over?!!” I yelled at Him, “I worked too hard to get here!”
“You’re exactly right,” He seemed to whisper with more strength than most men can yell with, ” so stop trying.” I have learned that I need to find what God is saying in all things and trust that He can provide. So I am staying on the Race. Most of you maybe did not know this, but now I am telling you. It is time to BE a son of the Most High King, not do. I will still be a part of the ministry and now I feel like I have something to offer the people that I talk with and speak to- brokenness. I can give you brokenness, full of sacrifice and trials, but it is real! I want the real life and I realize that many times the life in church is not real. When did ministry become instiutionalized? what happened to Jesus sitting with the prostitutes and tax collectors, just sharing life like they were sharing a meal. I want that. I am tired of pretending that I have it all together because I don’t. I want realness and I want miracles and I want the biggest God that there is.
So now, I have decided to stay on the Race, but they have told me that my support is low. The money is running out. I had only about half raised by the time I left and now we have reached that halfway mark. And I hate asking for support. It seems to imply that I wasn’t able to do it myself- that as a man, I should have been able to provide for myself. But brokenness does wonderful things for you. I don’t care anymore if I look foolish- I will become even more undignified than this as David of the Old Testament said. I am not asking you for money even, I am asking God and want you to be my witness that it is up to Him to provide that money. If God owns the cattle on a thousand hills than I have no worries. As I heard from Chad one time, if it’s God’s will, then it’s God bill. If I truly believe that God wants me on this Race, and I truly believe that He can provide then logically it should make sense that if God wants me on this Race then He will provide. But I do want your prayer. I want you to petition God on my behalf- that He would do what He wants with me.
