I just cannot imagine. . .
That has been my slogan for the last week. It feels like it was ages ago that I was told that my brother and sister-in-law were having complications with their pregnancy. And maybe it feels like that long ago because we have all been trying to slow down time so that their unborn child would have more time with them.
It hits hard when you are told the best case scenario is that the baby will be born only to live for a short while and that the likely scenario is the baby will not make it to their due date. I was praying for a miracle. My niece would prove all of these doctors wrong, I just knew it.
I just cannot imagine. . .
They found out the gender of their baby and told us, something they did not do with their first child. And then they named her. Aliza Joyce. Aliza means joyful.
I just cannot imagine. . .
Tuesday, May 26 I was at work when I saw the update email from my sis-in-law. The one she usually sends out after getting one of the ultra sounds or fetal echos she seemed to get almost everyday to check on Aliza’s process. I opened the email, but there were no details on how much Aliza weighed or how many weeks she was behind in development this time. The words held despair, pain, and loss. I could not keep back the tears no matter how hard I tried, and oh how I tried. I was hurting for them and for the loss of my niece. I was experiencing pain and sadness for them, but
I just cannot imagine . . . what it feels like for them.
Yesterday at work I was often asked how everyone in my family was doing. From my sis-in-law’s blogs and the few words I have spoken to them and my parents during this time my response has become “As well as we can in this situation. Thanks for your prayers, I have heard most of my family say that they have felt more peace and comfort during this time than they thought possible. . . .
but I just cannot imagine.”
My front desk friend responded that my current phrase “I cannot imagine” will probably be used often during our World Race as well. I will come across people and situations who experiencing life and pain in a way where I just cannot imagine.
I cannot imagine, but I serve One who cannot only imagine, but who understands. God experienced the whole range of human emotions as He humbled Himself and became fully human. God can even imagine what it is like to lose a child.
I am preparing my heart to break. As we go out to be God’s love to people it means more than smiling in cute Instagram photos with African orphans. It means more than Facebook photos of us with a smiling former sex-trafficking victim who now has a happier life. It means more than stepping back from a newly built house and feeling like you were able to bless someone.
It means feeling God’s heart break. As it does break, quite often, for His people. When you love someone you hurt when they hurt and you try to imagine and you try to comfort. Often times as humans we fail to comfort when we cannot imagine. I hope that during the times where I do not understand someones pain that I can plug into God, His Spirit, and His love and find the right something to say or do.
God’s fierce love for us also means immense pain.
“The Beatitudes
He said:
“Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted. . . .”
Matthew 5:3-4, NIV
“You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope.
With less of you there is more of God and his rule.
You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you.
Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you. . .”
Matthew 5:3-4, MSG
We are going out to be that love to others. We are going out to be with God’s people in their joys and in their pain.
I just cannot imagine . . . but I ask you to join me in prayer to the one who days. Prayers for my family during this time and prayers for us and our squad as we prepare the ministry we have ahead of us.
My Sister-In-Law is an amazing writer. She has been sharing part of Aliza’s story through her blog. If you have lost a child or feel that you would be encouraged and comforted by her story please contact me and I can forward you the link to her blog.
