I have a confession. I go to the red light district every night.
No really…I do.
(Please, don’t tell my mom that I’m hanging out in the red light district ’til the wee hours of the morning speaking to women about Jesus. She worries about me a lot.)
But last night, is the reason that I hang out in the red light district.
You see, I met this awesome woman named Jaz and this was her story…
Growing up, I spent a lot of time at home by myself. My mom was at work and I never knew my dad.
I read magazines and saw beautiful women. I wanted to be skinny like them so I used to stick my finger in my mouth and make myself throw-up.
At 3 years old, my mom married a man that sexually abused me.
5 when I became a big sister. Five when her husband left. Five when my mom started drinking heavily.
7 when she married AGAIN. Seven when I was verbally and emotionally abused by him.
9 when I heard the Easter story and knew there was hope.
10 when my sister passed away.
12 when my mom and her husband gave up. Twelve when I noticed my mom was in a “daze” because she drank all day. Twelve when I started throwing up.
Throwing up was how I coped when everything was out of control. It was all mine and no one could stop me.
16 when I was raped…AGAIN. Sixteen when I had my first child. Sixteen when I started cutting. I cut myself so no man would want to touch a body with so many scars. Cutting was a way for me to heal. I could take all the feelings I had inside and release them in a cut. Then I would watch it heal. Then I would watch ME heal.
17 when I started working here (in the red light district). Even with the scars, every man wanted to be with me. Seventeen when I noticed that every man wanted to be with every woman that walks on this street too.
20 when I cut and threw-up for the last time.
22 and I still fight the temptation.
23 and you’re telling me…God loves me no matter what I have done or will do. He never lies. He won’t leave me and is always by my side. He never breaks promises. He listens to me. He fights for me. He comforts me when I don’t know what to do. He encourages me. He will be everything I need Him to be (and more). He sent His only Son to earth to die for me….that’s how much He loves me and wants to be with me?
I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to sell my body. I have dreams.
We all struggle.
When we are lonely, sad, angry, disappointed, have pain, feel used, have doubt, feel ignored…we all turn to something.
We eat too much, we don’t eat at all, we smoke, drink, do drugs, curse, sleep all day, sleep all night, look at porn, engage in sexual activities, take out our emotions on others. (Have I hit yours yet?)
We cover it up with makeup, we hide, injure our bodies, take a pill, take more pills, take even more pills, make money, spend more money than we made, fight, pretend.(How about now?)
What do you need to hear from God? What does someone have to say for you to give Him everything?
What are you tempted to turn to (besides Jesus) when you feel doubt, pain, shame, etc.?
For those of you who have given Him everything and overcame one of these challenges…share your story. It could be the hope someone needs to hear.
[Note from Jamal: I have a feeling this is going to resonate with many people. I know this topic is kinda heavy but I also think that this blog could be space for people to take baby steps with wounds you’ve been hiding. Even if you have to leave the comment as anonymous (and in some cases, I recommend), I encourage you to share it. You don’t have to hide anymore. Read about my wounds (click here).]
Please, please, please share this with someone you know.
Facebook, twitter,google+, instagram…just share!
