Galatians 5:1 It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.
Vulnerability and skepticism. Those are two words that I would use to describe Monday night at training camp. The former I needed, the latter I needed to let go of. The process wasn't, at the time, clear nor easy. But it was so worth it.
I want to say first that my senses were all thrown off during this time. My conscious was by no means, and rightly so, in a position to focus on remembering every detail of what was going on. However, through prayer and listening, God has brought back to my memory things which I had previously forgotten. So that means this account might slightly differ from the verbal accounts I've shared.
Monday evening, after a lecture on spiritual warfare and during a session of worship, we all prayed for a manifestation of the Holy Spirit to come and fill the room. While I understood and believed in the power and ability of the Holy Spirit, I've never actually experienced a manifestation (in the way He showed up that night, any ways). So skepticism about whether or not it would actually happen flooded my mind. But I tried. I prayed as intensely as I could, begging for the Holy Spirit to fill me in any way seen fit. I told God I didn't care what it all entailed, what I'd do or what I'd look like, or what He had to do; just fill me. Consume me.
After praying for a couple of minutes like this, nothing had yet happened. So I shifted gears. I told God that I didn't want to experience a manifestation of the Holy Spirit so that I may have faith, but that I did have faith and I wanted the effect of that faith to result in Anointment. Immediately my arms began to tremble, breaking my concentration on my prayer momentarily. I was bewildered as to what was going on, yet I asked for God to continue.
Then my head got extremely heavy. I let it drop, and suddenly I broke into a frenzy of shrieks. I was screaming at the top of my lungs, with so much exertion my chest began to burn. I tried to stop the screaming, but I had zero control over it. This is when fear, panic, embarrassment, terror, you name it swept over me. I fought for control, but I had none. I've never felt powerless to my own body before, but that night, I was. Suddenly my body involuntarily jolted out into the aisle, and took off sprinting, again without my consent. I ran straight into the wall and fell upon the ground, still violently churning out the maddening shrieks. My face buried in the ground (which left the large floor burn on my nose, for those wondering), my body scratched its way towards the hallway, until many men from the AIM staff swarmed me and immediately began to pray. It was then that the screaming subsided, and I regained control of my body. With absolute terror of what just happened in my mind, I began to cry. Uncontrollably. And that just isn't something I do.
The men carried my limp body out of the room and into the hallway, where they continued to pray for Jesus to come. I opened my eyes for the first time to see my squad leader, Zach, holding my hand and calmly praying. His collectiveness comforted me enough to gain control of my weeping, but I was still very confused, shocked, and terrified.
After attempting to answer a couple questions about how I felt and what I thought happened (I think 90% of my answers were 'I don't know'), myself and four AIM staff members including my squad mentor, went alone into a room away from where everyone else was.
I was told they were going to try and cast out the demon which had just manifested in me. At first I thought they must be joking. A demon in me? I don't think so. I was skeptical. But I had no explanation of what just took place, and seeing their seriousness, I decided to trust them.
They said that with the authority and power of Jesus they would ask the demons questions, and I would search my mind for the voice which would give the answer. Skeptical, though I agreed. I cannot exactly remember the order of the questions or what exactly was asked, but the conciseness and clarity of which the answers came to my mind astounded me. I couldn't believe it. The communication was happening, and there was no denying it. Names of demons, footholds in which they exploited to attach to me, yes/no answers, the extreme confidence of what was coming to my mind was both horrifying and calming at the same time. It gave me true appreciation of God, and his sovereignty over all.
Then we tried to cast it out. I was told to verbally tell it to leave. I began yelling at it to go, but instead I again burst into shrieks, kicked out my chair from under me, and sprawled across the floor, where I was immediately met by the four men. I again regained control, and began to cry more. I wanted to stop. Pretend it never happened. Forget about it. Fear had its grip on me and wouldn't let go. I was told we were going to try again. I wanted to say no. But than a thought came to me. I thought that if this demon is real, than Jesus is real. And if Jesus is real, than He is who He says He is. And if He is who He says He is, than He is sovereign over all and I have nothing to fear. So I agreed and we tried again.
This time there were more footholds. I confessed and repented, and we again attempted to cast it out. We prayed for minutes for it to leave. My memory escaped what exactly happened next, but it left. I felt it leave. The anxiety, the fear, the depression…gone. Just like that. We than prayed for the Holy Spirit to come…and boy did it. Peace, love, and fulfillment consumed me. My entire body began to tingle. My mind was at complete ease. I began to laugh. Not uncontrollably, but in the most fantastic way. Bill had his hand on my shoulder, and I remember grabbing it and rubbing the side of my face on it (and possibly licking it? I can't exactly remember). I was on cloud nine. I was filled with God's joy. The most incredible sensation I've ever felt. It occurred to me during this time to call my brother and tell him that I loved him. So immediately afterwards, I did.
Upon making my way back to the main room were worship had ended and most had left, two of my squadmates, Erika and Rebekah, were waiting with my stuff. When I approached them, I gave both of them an unsuspecting hug. Never in my life have I been the hugger type. But that night, I became one.
Part three will detail the effects that this night has had. It has been a life changing experience, and I am so thankful for the newfound freedom which God has granted me. Freedom that I've never felt in my life. Peace that I've never felt in my life. And a hunger to serve Him that I've never felt in my life. Jesus is the hero. All praise, glory, power, and honor go to Him!
God Bless!
