Let me start off by saying that I do not normally speak about these types of things. I've grown up in a traditional Lutheran church, where I have had little to no exposure on the topic of spiritual warfare and things relative to it. My experience that I am going to detail is very new to me, but through reading of the Word, prayer, and listening to others who are more experienced with it than myself, God is bringing me (relative) clarity and understanding of what took place on Monday at training camp.
I have decided to break this up into three separate parts: The events leading up to the experience, the experience itself, and the events afterwards. I will be praying for God's will and provision when attempting to put this into words, as I wish to be careful yet intentional about what I share. I consider this to be a useful tool to add to my testimony, but I want to be clear about my intentions of sharing it: To bring light to the power, glory, and authority which that God has over everything.
Coming into training camp, I tried to have no expectations. But that is easier said than done. There are many expectations we set that we don't even know about – until they aren't met (Like a good night's sleep!) One large expectation for training camp that I had was that God was going to show up. That I would feel His presence in worship, that I would hear Him through prayer, that I would see Him through others, and that any doubts I had about His existence and that He loves me would be completely stripped and removed. This week was going to be awesome because I was going to experience God in everything I did!
But that didn't happen.
During worship, I wasn't feeling God. I saw the joy of others, hands lifted, dancing, and singing praises boldly and without inhibition. Yet there I stood, feeling disconnected and discouraged. I prayed multiple times daily that God would encounter me and bring me the joy that I saw others feeling in Him; but I just wasn't feeling it. By Monday morning, my frustration turned into anger and jealousy. I told God about how I was disappointed in Him, and almost demanded Him to show up, as if I was entitled to it. But than I decided to suddenly change my prayer. Instead of asking or demanding God to show up, I asked Him to reveal to me what was blocking me from experiencing Him.
That very next lecture, we learned about how each of us are "wired" differently for experiencing and being intimate with God. This lecture, while very instructional, good, and helpful, gave me a false sense of an answered prayer. During this lecture, I concluded that there really wasn't anything blocking me from experiencing God; rather, I just didn't experience Him though worship (experiential instinct). I decided that I experience Him thought the student instinct, or by reading and learning about Him. I do love to read about theology. I simply accepted this, prayed for thanks and mending to God, and moved on.
Until that same evening.
I really didn't want to make this a dramatic, cliff hanger ending to the first part, but this is a good place to stop. Please subscribe if you wish to read the next two parts! Hopefully, the second part, detailing the actual experience, will be up very soon! God bless!
