All they need is love and I was not able to give it to them. For Christmas we went to an orphanage for mentally handicapped children. The goal was for us to go and love on some kids and watch their Christmas program. Well I get there and my teammate Kelsey looks at me and says, "Are you okay." Now me in my not quite sure how I feel or know what to say just simples says, "I'm fine". Side comment my friends and I have an acronym for the word fine "freaked out, irrational, neurotic and emotional." So anyways Kels knew that my answer was not what it was so she took me home. Now later when Layne, her and I were talking about I could not figure out why I could not work with these children when I typically have no problem working with children and I could not figure out why the mentally handicapped part freaked me out so much and after talking with them for a while we decided to just let it drop for a bit.
Well tomorrow we are going to do hospital visits and the same freak-out feeling is building up inside me. And I have to think why is this happening. I sat down and thought of the process of my Great Aunt Bea and the process of her death. I remember the retirement home, the accidents that happened, her starting to forget things. It puts me right back in the spot where I was as a thirteen year old feeling helpless watching someone slowly stop working. When I was with the handicapped children I was rushed into thinking the same thing again, hopelessness and at a complete loss for how to help these people and the thought that tomorrow will bring the same mindset is frightening.
Here's the thing I know that there is no need to feel helplessness because we serve a God that is more powerful than any of our own mindset, but there is still a hesitation that exists so I ask for prayer that tomorrow i can have confidence to walk into those rooms without fear or helplessness but instead walk in with the mindset that God can do anything.
