So it’s been about 2 ½ months since I officially started fundraising for what it seems to be an “impossible goal of $18k” in the eyes of people.
I had no idea that the fundraising process was going to be a journey in itself. I thought my journey doesn’t start until I leave the country, but God has unconventional and uncomfortable ways of preparing my heart before sending me off to the mission field.
In the last few months, I’ve come to realize I am in a deep pruning process. What I mean by pruning is that God is currently teaching me how to cut off my ungodly character, He’s developing my faith and endurance, and He is exposing all of my weaknesses I still need to work on internally.
Here are a couple of things I realized about myself during this fundraising journey:
1. I lack so much faith. I thought my faith was strong until I started fundraising. I had no idea my trust in God was so unstable. I realized that my faith is up and down and it is based on what I see and feel. One day my faith can be firmly rooted in my heart, the next day I am being tossed by the wind.Yet, He reminds me…
Ok, you’re absolutely right God! I should walk by faith and not by sight! You make us uncomfortable in order for our faith to grow. Your thoughts are not my thoughts and you have outrageous ways of stretching us! I shouldn’t be relying on my own feelings and my own understanding. I should just trust in You with all of my heart.
2. I am extremely impatient. Even when I see God’s provision left and right, I get impatient that I still have a long way to go with my fundraising goal. There are days when I don’t get any donations and I can get easily discouraged. God is definitely teaching me how to trust His perfect timing and not mine. His timetable, not my own. Then He whispers in my heart…
Ok I hear you! You didn’t bring me this far to leave me hanging half way. You didn’t start a good work in me to not be able to complete it. You already said You’re going to finish what You started! You’re just building my patience and character right now.
3. I worry so much. I worry about everything! What if I don’t reach my goal? What if this isn’t God’s will for my life? What if I made the wrong decision? How am I going to sell all of my stuff? What If I’m not equipped enough to do this race? What if I’m not good enough to follow God’s calling? I am such a worrywart and it tends to overwhelm and stress me out… But God keeps reminding me…
Yes I know… I don’t need to worry. You equip who you call. I don’t need to doubt. You created the universe, You died for me. What makes me think that you can’t provide $18k? That’s a piece of cake for you! You will never leave me nor forsake me. You will provide everything that I need plus more! This is what I need to remind myself every single day…
4. I lack confidence in myself. As much as people think I’m courageous for saying yes to this missionary journey, I have never done anything as bold as this before. Yes! I am absolutely scared, full of doubt, and fearful with what I’m about to embark on and yes I do get that feeling sometimes that I may not able to do whatever God is calling me to do. Why? Because I am afraid to fail. However, He gives me a little nudge and says…
Ok God, I get it! No need to be afraid because You believe in me. You’ve set me apart and called me for such a time as this. You wouldn’t have opened this door if you didn’t think I was ready. If You think I can do it, I should believe in myself too!
5. I get easily distracted. Whether it is work, errands, people, my own thoughts, or just plain procrastination, I am in a constant battle with staying focused and keeping my eyes on the goal. I think we can all relate to this. Life can take a toll on us and we can easily get off track because of everything around us. However, He then reminds me…
Yes God, thank you for constantly checking my heart and renewing my thoughts. I need to learn how to focus on what’s more important and remind myself to keep my eyes on the prize rather than getting distracted with all the things of the earth.
I can go on and on about everything I still need to work on but one thing that God keeps circling back to is this reminder…
“My grace is sufficient for you. My strength is made perfect in your weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9
Such a powerful scripture! I am currently learning how to meditate on this verse and learning how to plant it deeply in my heart. His grace is never ending no matter how much we continue to mess up and make mistakes.
I think sometimes we’re too hard on ourselves… I know I am! I beat myself up too much with everything going on in my life. We think we need to be perfect in order to follow God’s calling. We think we need to get to a certain spiritual level in order for us to be ready or before we can be used by Him.
The truth is God doesn’t need us to be perfect, He just wants us to make progress. He loves us just the way we are and He can use us at this very moment despite our flaws. He even says we should be proud of our weaknesses so that His power can work through us!
In fact, He equips those who are called according to His Will. God is absolutely teaching me to embrace my weaknesses because it is when I acknowledge and confess them is when He can manifest His power in my heart, my thoughts, and my behavior.
I realized that our calling would always be much bigger than what we can handle on our own strength. He will always give us an assignment that is far greater than us so we can learn how to depend on Him more, trust Him more, ask Him for more guidance and wisdom, and learn how to cling onto His Word even tighter.
God, thank you for letting me discern the areas I need to work on internally. Thank you for continually stretching and growing me. Thank you for challenging me. Thank you for equipping me and preparing me before I take off.
What a loving and patient God you are! Without you, I can’t do all of this on my own, but with you I can do all things!
