This blog is best paired with Tenth Avenue North’s song, You are more
Saturday April 7, 2011
at Davidson College
written right after waking up from a night out partying with my friends
Oh how things look and feel different as we leave the night and enter into the day. In the night, anything is possible. We have large dreams and we make big plans. Things we never thought could happen actually occur, and in that moment, they seem ordinary. The night changes everything. But then we wake up and a new day has begun and it’s unfamiliar. We try and hold on to the promises of the night but reality nonetheless comes shining in. The day is harsh. The day is honest. Try as we might we cannot hide from its light. What lurks in the darkness is soon erased. I like the fantasy of the night. I love its promise and adventure. But it is now, while in the light, that I can write this letter. And the only things I see happening are actually real.
Now…
During college, I was afraid of the Light. I allowed myself to live in the darkness for so long that I got comfortable there. It even got to a point where the night’s lies appeared to me as truths. When the darkness told me that I was ugly, unwanted, dishonest, alone, undeserving, second best, disloyal, unworthy, and a terrible friend, I believed its evil whispers and I allowed them to claim my identity. I didn’t just hear these words I became them.
To me, it was the Light that was incriminating. The darkness wasn’t condemning; it just encouraged me to live more and more into the identity it had set for me. My actions were only wrong if I regretted them. But the Light asked more of me. It asked me to relive what happened at night and what’s worse, repent for it. I wasn’t ready for all that, so most times, I chose the darkness.
Now I hope you understand that I am not merely talking about times of day when I speak of light and dark, but something much bigger. I’m talking about the one true Light, our heavenly Father, and the darkness that tries to oppose it, Satan (1 Thessalonians 5:4-8). The good news is the war between Light and darkness has already been won through the life and resurrection of Jesus Christ. He set us free from our sins and claimed victory over death. But still the war rages on within us if we let it.
And I’m here to say I let it. I let it BIG TIME. I embedded Satan’s lies not only into my way of thinking, but into my way of being. In fact, it wasn’t the lies that scared me anymore; it was the thought of telling the truth. What good could come from it? Rejection. Shame. Guilt. Loss.
NO! Hiding it was easier. That way I was the only one disappointed, and most of the time I lied to myself about that too.
My worst offenses were the wrongdoings I did to my best friend. If you knew us, then you’d know we were inseparable. Two peas in a pod. A modern day
Laverne and Shirley. We just got each other in a way that was truly magical and I’d even suggest supernatural. If you knew us back when, then you’d know that she was my world and I would do anything for her. But even our friendship was no match for the darkness. It started with my decision to not tell her about one stupid drunken mistake. And then quickly snowballed into hiding a part of my life from her. Every time I debated telling her the truth, the devil worked harder to convince me not to. I couldn’t tell her because I wanted to protect her. I couldn’t tell her because I had to be strong for her. I couldn’t tell her because I wanted to be good enough for her. I couldn’t tell her because I wanted to make her happy. I couldn’t tell her because I wanted to keep her safe. And most of all, I couldn’t tell her because I would loose her. So I didn’t tell her. I kept it quiet for years.
See, living in the darkness impacted everything; especially my ability to see the Light. I knew that the life I was living was in opposition to Him, but I was so in the thick of it, I didn’t care. What did God know anyway? I was happy, wasn’t I? I liked my weekends going out, partying, making new friends, and getting attention from guys. I didn’t want all His rules. Christianity was all about living life within restrictions and I wanted to live life my way. I knew best. I had all the answers and I was in control.
Now let me make this next part come across loud and clear because out of everything I’ve said so far, THIS is the part to remember.
I WAS WRONG!
I mean I was really, really, REALLY WRONG.
The darkness had convinced me that if I were to be honest, especially with my best friend, than I would loose everything, including our friendship. But know this, Satan is only capable of speaking lies. He does not know truth or freedom. So as long as I followed the Devil, I too would always be in chains. But God called me out of the darkness this month. Well, I guess I should say I finally listened to him this month. He told me to speak truth and trust him that it would all work out for my good. But see that was my struggle all along. This wasn’t JUST about being honest with my best friend, but it was representative of a bigger issue: truly trusting in God. When I decided to speak truth into all the lies, I was also saying God you are worth even loosing everything that I hold dear on this earth. Even if my best friend can’t forgive me (which would be my version of loosing everthing), it is worth while knowing that I am living in the image God has set before me. You God, are enough! So that’s what I did. I revealed even to my best friend, every way I had wronged her, I promised that I would obey God no matter what, and then asked for forgiveness.
For the longest time, I thought concealing my lies was the only way to feel some sort of freedom. But as it turns out, I hadn’t even skimmed the surface yet. After 4 long years of guilt and shame, sleepless nights, pages upon pages written in my journal, and countless tears shed, I finally chose to live in Truth and because of that, I have been forgiven (by both God and my best friend!) and I am set free!
So for this month I proclaim FREEDOM! Not only for myself, but for the world:
All the women working on Bangla, your past does not matter, you have been set free!
All the men seeking companionship, attention, or lust, things of the flesh, you have been set free!
All you readers at home, who are haunted by your own demons, know that you too have been set free!
This blog is about celebrating and giving praise to the Lord, our God, that forgave our sins even when we didn’t deserve it, and loved us so much that he gave us his only Son so that we could be made new.
*Disclaimer: Please don’t get me wrong. I loved my time in college and wouldn’t change it for the world. I truly mean that. I had unbelievable friends (as you can tell) and experienced things some people will only dream of. But it’s also important to recognize that not everything was perfect, especially the way I thought about myself. I lived with so much self-hatred that I allowed that to be the norm. Well this is me announcing to the world that THAT LIFESTYLE WILL BE NO MORE! I will see myself only through my Father’s eyes. For the Truth is what liberated me. A weight was lifted, and I don’t want it back! Honesty really is the best policy. It keeps me away from the lies of Satan and that’s the only way I desire to live.
Saturday April 7, 2011
at Davidson College
written right after waking up from a night out partying with my friends
Oh how things look and feel different as we leave the night and enter into the day. In the night, anything is possible. We have large dreams and we make big plans. Things we never thought could happen actually occur, and in that moment, they seem ordinary. The night changes everything. But then we wake up and a new day has begun and it’s unfamiliar. We try and hold on to the promises of the night but reality nonetheless comes shining in. The day is harsh. The day is honest. Try as we might we cannot hide from its light. What lurks in the darkness is soon erased. I like the fantasy of the night. I love its promise and adventure. But it is now, while in the light, that I can write this letter. And the only things I see happening are actually real.
Now…
During college, I was afraid of the Light. I allowed myself to live in the darkness for so long that I got comfortable there. It even got to a point where the night’s lies appeared to me as truths. When the darkness told me that I was ugly, unwanted, dishonest, alone, undeserving, second best, disloyal, unworthy, and a terrible friend, I believed its evil whispers and I allowed them to claim my identity. I didn’t just hear these words I became them.
To me, it was the Light that was incriminating. The darkness wasn’t condemning; it just encouraged me to live more and more into the identity it had set for me. My actions were only wrong if I regretted them. But the Light asked more of me. It asked me to relive what happened at night and what’s worse, repent for it. I wasn’t ready for all that, so most times, I chose the darkness.
Now I hope you understand that I am not merely talking about times of day when I speak of light and dark, but something much bigger. I’m talking about the one true Light, our heavenly Father, and the darkness that tries to oppose it, Satan (1 Thessalonians 5:4-8). The good news is the war between Light and darkness has already been won through the life and resurrection of Jesus Christ. He set us free from our sins and claimed victory over death. But still the war rages on within us if we let it.
And I’m here to say I let it. I let it BIG TIME. I embedded Satan’s lies not only into my way of thinking, but into my way of being. In fact, it wasn’t the lies that scared me anymore; it was the thought of telling the truth. What good could come from it? Rejection. Shame. Guilt. Loss.
NO! Hiding it was easier. That way I was the only one disappointed, and most of the time I lied to myself about that too.
My worst offenses were the wrongdoings I did to my best friend. If you knew us, then you’d know we were inseparable. Two peas in a pod. A modern day
Laverne and Shirley. We just got each other in a way that was truly magical and I’d even suggest supernatural. If you knew us back when, then you’d know that she was my world and I would do anything for her. But even our friendship was no match for the darkness. It started with my decision to not tell her about one stupid drunken mistake. And then quickly snowballed into hiding a part of my life from her. Every time I debated telling her the truth, the devil worked harder to convince me not to. I couldn’t tell her because I wanted to protect her. I couldn’t tell her because I had to be strong for her. I couldn’t tell her because I wanted to be good enough for her. I couldn’t tell her because I wanted to make her happy. I couldn’t tell her because I wanted to keep her safe. And most of all, I couldn’t tell her because I would loose her. So I didn’t tell her. I kept it quiet for years.
See, living in the darkness impacted everything; especially my ability to see the Light. I knew that the life I was living was in opposition to Him, but I was so in the thick of it, I didn’t care. What did God know anyway? I was happy, wasn’t I? I liked my weekends going out, partying, making new friends, and getting attention from guys. I didn’t want all His rules. Christianity was all about living life within restrictions and I wanted to live life my way. I knew best. I had all the answers and I was in control.
Now let me make this next part come across loud and clear because out of everything I’ve said so far, THIS is the part to remember.
I WAS WRONG!
I mean I was really, really, REALLY WRONG.
The darkness had convinced me that if I were to be honest, especially with my best friend, than I would loose everything, including our friendship. But know this, Satan is only capable of speaking lies. He does not know truth or freedom. So as long as I followed the Devil, I too would always be in chains. But God called me out of the darkness this month. Well, I guess I should say I finally listened to him this month. He told me to speak truth and trust him that it would all work out for my good. But see that was my struggle all along. This wasn’t JUST about being honest with my best friend, but it was representative of a bigger issue: truly trusting in God. When I decided to speak truth into all the lies, I was also saying God you are worth even loosing everything that I hold dear on this earth. Even if my best friend can’t forgive me (which would be my version of loosing everthing), it is worth while knowing that I am living in the image God has set before me. You God, are enough! So that’s what I did. I revealed even to my best friend, every way I had wronged her, I promised that I would obey God no matter what, and then asked for forgiveness.
For the longest time, I thought concealing my lies was the only way to feel some sort of freedom. But as it turns out, I hadn’t even skimmed the surface yet. After 4 long years of guilt and shame, sleepless nights, pages upon pages written in my journal, and countless tears shed, I finally chose to live in Truth and because of that, I have been forgiven (by both God and my best friend!) and I am set free!
So for this month I proclaim FREEDOM! Not only for myself, but for the world:
All the women working on Bangla, your past does not matter, you have been set free!
All the men seeking companionship, attention, or lust, things of the flesh, you have been set free!
All you readers at home, who are haunted by your own demons, know that you too have been set free!
This blog is about celebrating and giving praise to the Lord, our God, that forgave our sins even when we didn’t deserve it, and loved us so much that he gave us his only Son so that we could be made new.
*Disclaimer: Please don’t get me wrong. I loved my time in college and wouldn’t change it for the world. I truly mean that. I had unbelievable friends (as you can tell) and experienced things some people will only dream of. But it’s also important to recognize that not everything was perfect, especially the way I thought about myself. I lived with so much self-hatred that I allowed that to be the norm. Well this is me announcing to the world that THAT LIFESTYLE WILL BE NO MORE! I will see myself only through my Father’s eyes. For the Truth is what liberated me. A weight was lifted, and I don’t want it back! Honesty really is the best policy. It keeps me away from the lies of Satan and that’s the only way I desire to live.
