You want to know the truth about the World Race…well here it is.
After 9 months on the field, I’m afraid to go home.
At the 9-month mark, AIM has a little tradition of giving you this paperwork about “re-entry,” as they like to call it. It tells you all about how you can healthily re-enter into American society after the Race. Well I took one look at this “help sheet” and nearly lost it. As tears streamed down my face, I realized I’m not quite ready to go home yet. Don’t get me wrong; life here on the Race is far from easy. If there is one service I can provide for future racers or even those dedicated blog readers at home, it is to not glamorize my experience here. I vividly remember the first words of advice I received from an Alum Racer before leaving for the field, “This will be the hardest AND most beautiful year of your life.” I couldn’t summarize it any better.
If you truly want God to rule your life, I mean guide your every footstep, whisper things in your ear, lead you to your calling, challenge you to be better, and tell you the secrets of this world and His Kingdom (now when I list these examples, I’m not talking figuratively. Our God is LIVING. Hebrews 13:8. That means He can talk. He can move. He exists in the physical. Keep your eyes peeled for your burning bush because I guarantee you it is there.); know first that that prayer is POSSIBLE, then know that that process begins with your brokenness. And if you are like me, and think that you are not broken…think again. That insecurity that has lurked in the darkness your entire life? Yea, the one you may have never told to a single soul and quite frankly, don’t think you can live without, well God knows it and what’s better, He can give you freedom from it. So I challenge you to choose the hard road. Dare to be free. And as one my previous teammates would say, replace a good life with one that is GREAT.
This year I was completely torn apart. I’m talking top to bottom, bit by bit broken off until the only thing allowing me to stand was this tiny footstool sized idea of my “Christian” side, which was my heart for service. I guess the easiest way to put it would be to say that before the Race, I was a hypocrite. I was Christian by name, but certainly not by lifestyle. But after a few months in, the labels others or I had placed on myself for years were flying off. Romans 12: 1-2 This may seem like a positive thing, but when those things define you, it leaves you kind of lost. So I clenched onto the titles with all my might. I needed them. After all, who would I be without them? But each time I agreed to surrender, I had to let one go. I couldn’t please the world AND live for Christ. Matthew 6:24 So I chose the later; trading my earthly identity for a Godly one. End Month 3
(A picture God asked me to draw as I wrote this blog: a visual representation of shedding the labels of my past while God poured into me my true identity)
Enter Month 4. Remember that small footstool I mentioned. Well throughout the next months, the legs were kicked out from underneath it. I no longer even had the identity of ministry to hold onto. And to make matters worse, as I lost sight of who I was, so did my team. I was misunderstood and ostracized in my own community…and I was the one leading the show. But it was here, in Month 6 and 7, where I discovered who Jacquie really is, A proud woman of God: Made over and remolded to look like Jesus.
Yay, everyone loves a happy ending right? But wait…what about the other two months? Oh yes. Now comes the actual living in that identity part of the story. Maybe the hardest part of all.
Enter Month 8. I know who I am, NOW I have to live that way, which brings me back to where I started. I’m afraid to go home because HOME is where temptation is the greatest. Even though I just spent an entire page convincing you that life as a missionary is in no way a bed or roses, THIS is where I feel safe. Believe it or not, living out of a backpack, moving from city to city each and every month, constantly being surrounded by community, continually being challenged to live out my faith and GROW, and not knowing what the next day will hold has become my comfort. I know what it looks like to go up to a complete stranger and boldly ask them about Jesus but will I have that same courage when it’s people I know? Here, God has asked me to stand out but how will it feel when even my friends think I’m strange? Matthew 13:57 Even in this life, I have been tempted to look cool, to go out partying with friends in my free time, and to do what the world says leads to fulfillment. I have wanted parts of my old life back. Hearing the lies that Christianity is just a bunch of rules and in the long run, comes without fun. But at least here, I have people encouraging me to say no. Here, I can hear the truth. When I get home, no matter how much I tell people I’ve changed, I’m afraid they’ll only know who I used to be. The worldly model of Jacquie; but here I choose the righteous path. I don’t want to look like the world because I’ve seen something so much better. I’ve experienced the riches of the Gospel, which makes us rich in JOY, an unparalleled commodity!
So now what? As much as I don’t want to go home because of a fear that I will revert back to my old ways, I know that’s where the Lord is leading me. And the funny thing is, not too long ago, home is where life was safe. And it is that exact safety net that launched me into the most recent adventure of my life…the Race. So I’ve figured out the secret: as soon as we get comfortable, it’s time for a change. In fact, I think that’s where I get my assurance that this IS from God. I know I can’t do this without Him, which is how we should always feel. Another friend once told me, “It’s the ones who think they have it all together and all figured out that worry me.”
Now I don’t tell you this to poo poo on America before I get there (trust me there are many things to get excited about…dryers, closets, preservatives in fruits and vegetables (yea I never thought there’d be a day where I’d say that either, but hey anything is possible), polite customer service, the luxury of temperature control, and oh yea and the people!!! hehe), I guess I tell you this so you see me for the true me. Not the Jacquie you used to know, but also not as this fantasy missionary who has everything together either. I am a mess and probably always will be. But I need my community to know the real me. And this is it. I still struggle with my flesh sometimes. My old life had me convinced that singleness was a curse and going out to parties was the way to avoid that. I don’t believe that anymore, but that doesn’t mean I’m not tempted. So I want you to help keep me accountable. We are the church so let’s support one another and boldly look like it! I am not ashamed of where the Lord has taken me; it is this testimony that gives me strength. 1 Timothy 1:12-16
I also tell you all of this because I want things to be different when I get home. Gone are the days where the only difference between me and a non Christian is that I am busy on Sundays. I choose to make Christianity a way of life; one that effects the way I live, look, act, and feel at all times… everyday. And even though I sometimes become afraid of what it will look like to not be accepted, or be alienated and misunderstood in my own home because of my beliefs 1 Peter 2:11-12, I’ve promised God that no mater what, I will follow Him. That His will for my life, is better than my own. That I surrender it all to Him. So here are my promises to you MY COMMUNITY. Here are the ways that I choose to be set apart from the world. Here are my vows to the Lord.
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I promise to choose to live by faith daily because promising it once is not enough. I surrender myself, my dreams and my desires in order to live out the Gospel (know too, that often times God gives us back those desires because He just loves us that much. Not to mention He created us, so He knows what our heart is passionate for; but, He asks for our obedience first). Galatians 2:20
I promise to seek out and follow the Spirit and boldly teach others about how the Holy Spirit moves, heals, and speaks. When Jesus died, He sent us The Counselor, what we know as the Holy Spirit, and this entity of the Trinity lives among us – let us celebrate this remarkable gift that only came because of Jesus!
I promise to not be ashamed of my identity in Christ. I am a strong, woman of God and will proudly look like it. I will live in the freedoms that have been afforded to me.
I promise to not get caught up in the world’s timing or the world’s priorities. I will continue to be interruptible. We have been set a part for a reason and it’s time America lived by a new standard. I want to be an example. I Corinthians 10:31-11:1
I promise to worship for God, not for the congregation or my own recognition. I promise to give Him glory for who He is, not for what He does. And with that, I promise to praise my God with feeling: whether it’s joy, laughter, sorrow, crying, or just plain thanksgiving…our God is worthy to be praised and I will show Him my heart when I sing to Him.
I promise to not backslide. I cannot be the person I once was. I have been made new.
I promise to choose joy even in hardship. Difficult times are not proof that God doesn’t exist; but rather, an example of His abounding love because He is always there to walk us through it.
I promise to spend quiet time with the Lord every day. I refuse to get too busy to make time for Him. He is my rock, my fortress, and so in Him I will find peace and comfort. I promise too, to continue my study of the Word, seeking His conformation in order to know Truth.
I promise to continue my love story with Jesus. Never wasting an opportunity to sing His praises, share testimonies of His power, and give Him all the credit.
I promise to fight for other’s freedom and salvation. We are not meant to live in captivity. Isaiah 61:1 So I will fight for the voiceless to be heard.
I promise to marry a man of God! A man that will be my spiritual leader, who will challenge me to live up to my calling Ephesians 4:1, and who will choose daily to love and pursue me. I promise that our relationship will be grounded in the Lord, with Him as our number 1 (are only hope for success).
I promise to always desire to look more like Christ. To me that means speaking in boldness and truth, unafraid to offend people if God says they are ready. I vow to grow in my current spiritual gifting’s and aspire to attain more. Christ is not bound in a church or exclusive to religious leaders, He freely gives spiritual gifts to all His children; all we have to do is have enough faith to accept them. Matthew 14:27-29
I promise to love the way Christ loves, without hesitation or fear of the consequence and most of all, with grace and mercy: I’d call this unconditional.
I promise to be obedient to His whispers. The Lord speaks and I hear Him. So how could I pretend I don’t? How could I, like one of my teammates has coined, “Give Him the silent treatment?” My life is not my own, I have been created to glorify the Lord!
I promise to find fulfillment in Jesus, not the world. God is enough!
And lastly, I promise to continually share God with the nations. This commitment does not end when 11 months have come and gone, it lasts a Lifetime. I will fight to serve the Lord.
The truth is, eventually I have to come home; so the biggest thing I promise is that when I do, I will be changed forever!
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Hebrews 12:1
