Savior Complex. I had heard this termed tossed around a lot before I left for the race. I had people warn me about it saying, “Don’t try to be the savior.” But it wasn’t until month six of the race when I fully understood what that meant.
My heart broke this month for Destiny Christian School and all the students there. The heart behind the school, and it’s vision was amazing, but the lack of funding has left the school drowning in debt. And the more time I spent at the school, I became aware of the holes in the system. The reality was that it was the skeleton of a school, but it had no meat to it. Yes, there were students that filled the classrooms, but that was it. There was no funding, not even enough to pay the teachers consistently (they were already getting paid half of what public schools pay). And on top of that there were not enough teachers for all the classes, and the teachers who were there had a habit of not showing up for class. There were no resources for the students, no library, not even textbooks. The school didn’t take attendance, there was no school standard, curriculum, or classroom management. And a handful of the student body were HIV positive, but the school had neither a nurse’s office or sanitary/working restrooms.
Everyday my heart broke even more.
The students were required to wear school uniforms, but they all only owned one set so for the entire week they wore the same clothes. And many of their sweaters and pants were covered in rips and stains. A majority of the students didn’t eat lunch because they could not afford it.
And on top of that, many students were constantly sent home for not paying school fees. Each time this happened, you could see the grief in pastor’s eyes, as it was the hardest thing for him to do but they needed money bad.
Surrounded by all the heartbreak, I got stuck in this savior complex, believing that I could save the school and these students. I began thinking that I could pay some of the students’ lunch fees, sponsor a student monthly, pay to get their clothes stitched, start a non profit, find people to support the school…. And this fantasy of me single handedly saving the school caught wild fire.
Until I realized that I could not do any of these things…
And I realized that I could not save this school or these children. Ultimately, ONLY God can save them.
But through this savior complex the Lord walked me through the process of a broken heart.
This school, and the suffering going on here was breaking the Lord’s heart. And so he brought my team here, he brought me here. And in doing that he exposed me to all these things that was breaking his heart, and in return it broke mine. And at the end of the month I found myself praying to the Lord because there I was with a shattered heart.
I began asking him,”Now what?
You brought me here, you broke my heart for what breaks yours, and now what am I suppose to do with it?”
I can’t financially support them, I can’t stay here, I have five months left of five different ministries, what am I supposed to do with this broken heart?
And he said, “Give it back to me.”
And that’s when I realized, he didn’t bring me here to save them.
Only HE can save.
He brought me here to love them, to encourage them, to pray for them, and to point them back to Jesus.
And then its time to let God do the rest.
