Uncertainty (noun) /un.cer.tain.ty/: The unknown. Not definite. Not able to be relied on.
Uncertainty has enslaved me. It has bound me to the strongest, most unbreakable chains. It gives me feelings of doubt, fear, and anxiety. It’s what keeps me up at night and my first thought in the morning. It has suffocated my every thought.
Moving into the next chapter of my life, this is what I know: EVERYTHING is uncertain.
This fact rips me to the core. Not because I think the Race is a bad way to spend my next year, but because up to this point everything has been certain in my life. I have grown up in the same house, with the same friends in the same school district. I have never had any deaths in my family or had to switch friend groups. I have never had any sudden change in the way I live or how I derive my happiness. And I love it. It’s comfortable to me. Everything is known. I never have to fear the future.
This is where leaving my childhood behind scares me. In just 2 weeks, everything in my life is going to change from certain to uncertain. I am not going to have the certainty of my family’s comfort every second of every day. I am not going to have the certainty of my best friends who I can talk to about anything or just hang out with. I am not going to have the certainty of clean clothes or a warm bed or filling food. I am not going to have the certainty of my church or my mentors or MACJAC (ya get it if ya real). Since training camp, this is where the devil has had a foothold in my life. He has placed subtle yet dangerous questions in my mind: “Do I really want to give this all up?” “What gives me the assurance that I can make disciples of all nations?” “Why am I leaving everything?”. In an attempt to justify these question, I flash to all the good in my life. All the moments I found comfort in my friends, my family, and materialism. And in this, I find an even deeper, biblical question: Have I counted the cost?
I have thought about this question a lot: how much is discipleship going to cost me? The deeper I go, the more God reveals answers. Throughout the past couple weeks of pondering this question I have come to this simple conclusion– its going to cost me my certainty. Certainty of life, food, safety, shelter etc.
On the surface this seems very counter cultural to what society tells me I should pursue. “Jacob you NEED to go to college so you can provide and have security.” “You NEED to have a comfortable house with an awesome family. You NEED a sense of certainty in your life!”. However, I have begged to ask myself “what if Jesus Christ is the only certainty I NEED?” That in an ever-changing world, there is only one constant: Jesus.
I am content with Jesus being my one certainty. Even if everything else is uncertain, I trust that Jesus will provide. So here I am sitting at the Chantilly Regional library two weeks before I leave the country for 9 months declaring that Jesus is all sufficient for me. I am ready to trade in certainty for uncertainty, safety for danger, apathy for disciple making. I am ready to “Go to all nations”.
