I must be perfect.
4 words. 5 syllables. 14 letters.
These words have controlled my thoughts. They have reiterated themselves over and over again in my mind to the point that I have conditioned myself to believe this as true. They have chained me from the light I was made to walk in. They have a foothold in my doorstep and are slowly crashing the party I have had with my Heavenly father. Perfection, you are eating at my heart.
I am a perfectionist. I like to make sure my life is fulfilled: free from mess ups, mistakes, and shortcomings. I like to have it all figured out. So for a bad sinner like me, I have a hard time coming to grips with the sin in my life. This has brought a lot of guilt/shame and has killed my desire to pursue God in any intimate way. If I can’t figure it out, how can I go to an Almighty God who wants me to be “good”? How could God accept a messed up person like me? My soul internalizes and finally just shuts down, causing me to ditch the One who is the only thing that breathes life into me.
This has broken me to the point where I have questioned if I am even Christian or not. I have contemplated this a lot: what defines a Christian? A person who never struggles? A person who sprinkles their Jesus dust on everyone? A person who has it all figured out? Because if this is the criteria, I certainly don’t fit the mold. My whole life I’ve been told that following rules will get me to heaven. That if I do enough good for people then God will judge me less. However, I think this is where my view of religion and Jesus collides. Religion tells me to follow laws, while Jesus tells me to look to the cross. Religion calls me a failure, while Jesus calls me a son of God. Religion makes me feel shame, while Jesus makes me born again.
I’m really tired of missing out on the grace, truth, and purpose that my shame has chained me from. I’m tired of missing out on the joy of the Lord, that I was made to walk in. I don’t want to miss out anymore. I want to reap an intimate relationship with God that produces so much fruit.
Through some deep healing, God has revealed Himself in so many ways. I’ve realized that my struggles are one of the greatest assurances that I am ALIVE. I love this picture. That on a battlefield its the alive who fight. They are scared frightened, and fearful, but its only because they are able to see the great battle that rages before them. On the other hand, the dead are the calm, serene ones. They hear all the gun shots and bombs and do not flinch. Because they are dead. They don’t see the great battle that rages before them. In this way my fear, my fright, my angst in the midst of my battles show that I am ALIVE in Christ.
I am ready to pick up my sword and armor and go into battle head on. I am ready to struggle and struggle hard. I am ready to have God meet me at every point. Its through God’s grace that I am saved. My perfection doesn’t define my eternal salvation. Its one of the greatest things: that God took all of my judgment and put it on his Son. Thank you Jesus that you only calls me to struggle, because you struggled first. Thank you that you took religion to the cross. Thank you that you extend grace upon grace.
So now I don’t want to try to be perfect, but rather seek the one who is PERFECT.
