I’m sitting in the back of a taxi right now heading across Uzbekistan with my brothers. The taxi is grateful enough to lend us the aux cord to blast Green Day. We were in Tashkent for ten days, which is the capital of Uzbekistan. It is “Manistry” month, which is when the boys and girls split up. If I had to describe this last week. Man, I am so broken. We’re going over the book “Wild at Heart”. In the book it goes over the desires of a mans heart. We have one person read a chapter of the book and go over it each day. When God says “lay down in Green pastures” he was not kidding. My heart is wide open right now. We go into the chapter called “the Wound.” It’s wild what the heart contains. We all come up with questions from our chapter. Examples of some questions:
Am I enough?
What are Characters of God?
What’s holding you back?
What’s your biggest fear?
Are you wearing any masks?
Are there any wounds that your hiding?
Deep questions that really need healing and attention. My favorite part of the book is that it gets down to the simplistic basics of being who God create us to be. Opening these deep wounds that have been in hiding calls for the running to still. The world, flesh, and the devil want us to keep these wounds buried deep. I had a couple tough moments in coming up with these wounds. As I was walking after telling a brother what a wound was, I felt a peace and humbleness covering my body. These wounds are not to dwell in negativity. It’s to conquer, forgive, repent and ask the father to come in. They chose for me the chapter “healing the wound”. I feel they couldn’t have picked a better chapter for me. I fell deeply in love with the movie Good Will Hunting about two years ago, and it will always be my favorite movie. I watched it every other night, knowing I had a deep connection to the movie. The writers of this movie is an absolute genius. Will, a boy with much potential is in hiding from wounds that bury his potential. Will is a fighter, a “rough boy” with not a soul to pick him up but his brothers. He had an abusive foster father. He gets into a brawl. He gets out of jail by going to see a therapist. Will is smart and just bucks off almost every therapist. Except for a man that walks into his life, Sean. Sean the therapist that really cared for will and had gone through the same past as Will. Sean and Will create a bond. Sean and Will are about to end there final session and Sean is looking through Wills file of past wounds will endured
“He used to put a belt, a stick, and a wrench on kitchen table and say “choose”- Will
“What did you go with?” – Sean
“The wrench” – Will
“Why?” -Sean
“Cause Fuck him that’s why”” – Will
“You see this file” – Sean (Points at the file)
“It’s not your fault” -Sean
“I know Sean” – Will
“No, it’s not your fault” – Sean
“Sean, I know” – Will (He backs away)
“It’s not your fault” – Sean
“No, I know Sean” – Will (Gets defensive)
“It’s not your fault” – Sean
“Don’t Fuck with me Sean, not you” – Will
“It’s not your fault” – Sean (Gets closer)
“Don’t Fuck with me Sean!”- Will
“It’s not your fault” – Sean
“Oh God Sean” – Will (Tears pour and he hugs Sean)
The significance of this part of the movie is that sometimes life happens. The earth is a broken place. Open that wound up to God. We know right and wrong in our hearts. I spent the last week in Romans 2: 12-16. Four verses I wouldn’t allow myself to go any further till I knew what God meant. Gods laws have changed my heart. Sins can be forgiven. Let the truth in and freedom to follow. It’s not your fault, find Jesus. God never intended for it. It’s not who you are. Find forgiveness.
This past week has been me laying down
Step one: Surrender to God
Step two: Forgive
Step three: Intimacy with God
Step Four: Peace and Glory!
I found myself half way through my chapter telling the boys, looking around. Thinking I am so different then these men in this room. I don’t know the depths of these men. They don’t know the depths of me. We can not bear each others souls. God is the only one. God loves brotherhood and wants use to bear each others loads. God is only one who knows us better that we know ourselves. There was a part in God Will Hunting that Sean states to Will
“I will never know the depths of you, your just a kid” – Sean
At the end of the movie Will took on his wounds and went after his desires
Brokenness proceeds to intimacy with the father. I felt the depths of my past hindering me until I stopped running and opened up my heart. God has God me captivated in his ways up in the clouds. It’s not an easy process and it’s never ending.
I found myself using myself as my worst enemy one day. I keep thinking man “Because I did this, I think this way now”. I asked a brother and I got an answer that knocked me back into the sky. The blood of Jesus. Never forget the cross. I am as pure as a fresh snowfall. I didn’t know the laws and let Jesus come into my life until I did! I embrace your new self. My life is just blossoming. Forgiveness and mercy. I have a past that God is going to use. I walked into this year not knowing. God pursued me, now I pursue him. It’s a collision I can’t explain. A dangerous feeling. A boy in himself walking into the unknown walking out a man hood in the making like David looking to God to strengthen him. The gospel is so a live in my soul the deeper I go, It’s like stepping into dream every day. I am so broken.
What did we do and who did we meet in Uzbekistan?
We met so many beautiful people in Tashkent, Uzbekistan. Sergey (the owner of a local hookah bar) and Constantine (A IT computer man) have taken us under there wing. We as men lead each other higher in faith. I have never had such a close group of brothers. We play soccer and meet with local people that we cross paths with. Dina (our guest house owner) is so amazing. Everyone is so amazing here. The hand shakes and kindness here is real. We’re team Amago Dei and we’re looking to get tattoos before the end of the month with resemblance to Gods image. Amago Dei means “In image of God”. Beer and cards have been engraved into Uzbekistan with me. There is something about Sergey and Constantine’s pursuing of us that makes me wonder. We will head back to Tashkent for a couple days before going back to Kyrgyzstan. This place is amazing! Onto Samarkand!
Love you all!
