September, week 4, 2012
I found myself weeping tonight. Tears slid down my cheeks like drops of fire on New Year’s Eve.
I am so blessed. These days I cry a lot more. I used to cry when life was hard or the lies were too overwhelming to fight. I used to grieve the loss of everything. Yet now I weep because… Jesus is so beautiful.
I don’t think… I don’t think I can explain this one. There are somethings that words can paint and pull to life, yet intimately knowing Jesus is something unexplainable. It is something utterly unreal. Tonight my heart is really tender.
The distance between God and man somedays seems vast and unnassailable. Yet as I have read the word of God and learned more about Jesus I have grown to find in the still silence an intimacy that is beyond flesh and blood. My very soul rises up to talk to the maker of heaven and earth. Tonight as we left the orphanage and rode a bus back home I stared out the window. Streetlights passed by at high speed and I thought about Jesus as I listened to the song below. Then my heart began to burn.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TTLVlIcF-Tg
Tonight the Stars Speak – The Glorious Unseen
Tonight the stars speak of your infinite love
And it serves to remind me
That what I have means nothing at all
Compared to your glory, Oh lord
How long till your voice speaks clearly?
How long till your arms envelope me?
I cry be my strength when I am weak
Oh Lord have mercy on me please
My spirit is willing but my flesh is so weak
I cry in your arms now
God grant me the strength to rest in you
I lift my hands and cry
I just began to cry. I couldn’t hold in the tears. I miss Him. I miss Jesus. I miss someone I have never met since the days He crafted my soul and spirit and heart. Yet I know He is real and right here whispering encouragement, love, and affection into my ears. He is standing behind every sunset at the Easel with a paintbrush in His hand crafting the beautiful sky. Jesus is utterly fantastic incredible and amazing. As I have read the bible the last week, it has started to be something living. It pierces my heart with words I would never have expected. Teaches me lessons I wouldn’t have had any clue could be taught. Jesus has gone from an idea, an ideal, a religious entity… to the best and most knowable friend I have. Even the people I trust most may one day forsake me.
Psalm 27 says that even if our mother and our father turn against us. We have a God that never will. That’s beautiful. It’s beautiful that Jesus says in Psalm 27:19-20 that we must wait on the Lord because He will bring goodness in the land of the living, our salvation. This is said once again in Lamentations 3. That chapter talks about His unfailing and steadfast love. It’s echoed again in Proverbs 3 where we are supposed to bind steadfast love and faithfulness around our necks. This is repeated in Deuteronomy 6 as it talks about remembering the Lord. Every verse, every word from God, is like this wonderful trail of discovery. It is so connected, beautiful, and unique. I am waking up to turn my bible to promises said to Jacob. I am reading about how Jesus knows even the hairs on my head. If I tried to count them I couldn’t. It’s a miracle even how much Jesus knows about my hair follies. Every single aspect of Jesus is so above, beyond, unshakable, and incredible. It is beyond what I can imagine or understand, the way that Jesus not only cares for me and loves me but refuses to forsake me. I am desperately in love and encouraged by a king like Jesus.
That is why I find myself crying. I miss Him. Oh how I miss Him. I can’t wait until His voice is clear and I can rest in those big carpenter arms. I am so excited to see His face and tell Him I love Him and how grateful I am for Him. That is such a wonderful feeling. To be in love with my maker. To feel that internal desperation to know and believe in Him more.
What is more beautiful…
Is that no matter how desperate, thirsty, tear-soaked, or restless I get to see Jesus. To hold Him. To be with Him.
He is all the more for me. He loves me. He cannot wait to show me that love. Oh, my God is SO great. I am so glad I serve the living God.
Life is so wonderful right now.
I wrote this last september in Taiwan. Yesterday Palm Sunday I found myself bawling and was reminded once again of how beautiful Jesus really is. Oh savior, I love you. I love you. I LOVE YOU.
