I left work early today.
I couldn't take it.
I had a breakdown.
I cried the whole way back home.
12 hour work days are nearly impossible to get through after going on the World Race.
Don't get a job the day after you get home: some words of advice for future Racers.
I've been home for a little over a week. There's been ups and downs. Highs and lows. Times of joy and times of pain. It's been a rollercoaster of a ride. There are moments where I'm so thankful to be back home, and moments where I absolutely hate America and everything about it. There are moments where I feel alive and then there are moments where I feel like a machine. There are moments where I feel so empowered from the Race that I can't help but thrive in the environment I'm in, bringing kingdom. Then there are moments where I feel dead as if I didn't even go on the Race, and all I want to do is breakdown. I've had tears of joy and tears of pain flow from the heart and mind. I've had nervous breakdowns in the middle of work. I've had awesome conversations of the beautiful journey the Lord led me on. A week of being home has come and gone. Here are some of the things that have happened the past couple of days and what's to come.
I Got A Job The Day After I Got Home
The morning after I arrived home I walked into my local coffee shop. I didn't want to go. I wanted to crawl in a cave and never come out. But I did. I'm still wondering if I regret it or not. But I went. It's a small local cafe. Hipster as can be, there's vintage furniture, hipster music playing in the background, young adults with their MAC's and thick framed glasses (not prescription of course), sipping on their organic teas and fair-trade espresso latte. Within 10 minutes of being there, someone I knew ran into me. She asked if I wanted a job. I said "Yes." She said "Great! You start tomorrow." Tomorrow? Within 18hrs of being home I am offered a job, and within 48hrs I began work…
Sure, why not? It shouldn't be too hard to transition from traveling around the world on the greatest adventure of my life to working 10-12hrs a day for seven days straight…. Right?
(sigh)
It's been so hard…
I need the money. I have no income. I have a $400 phone bill for a phone I don't have. I have to figure out what are these next steps in my life. I have no college degree. I have no skill sets. I have a backpack full of dirty clothes and stories of the field. So I said yes to the job. From dirty, broke missionary, to working American.
God bless capitalism.
But it hasn't been hard all the time. I work as a Production Assistant for Assemblies of God's General Council Conference. It's been a blessing to be able to work with other believers and be surrounded by people who are genuinely following the Lord. I help out with interviews of people who have kept the faith and now share their testimonies to encourage others, like me. And it has been so encouraging. Not to mention it really looks good for my resume as I continue to seek employment after this conference is over. Also, my little brother has been working with me. It's never a dull moment with him. He helps me and encourages me when I feel weak. I'm so thankful for him. Plus he makes the time go by quicker by entertaining me, like taking scooters for the elderly and attempt stunts on them.
However, being cultured-shock, especially in the Christian world, is hard. Here I am with tens of thousands of people here at the AG conference. And all I can think of is those back home, the mission field. As youth kids run around the conference, winning prizes for Bible trivia, updating their Instagrams with a photo of them and their friends, all I can think about is the slum kids in the Philippines. How right now they are in the filth of poverty in Manila. How they will never be able to be a part of something extravagant and encouraging like the conference. How these AG kids are here in the A/C and luxury of the convention center, while the kids of Manila are decaying, literally, in stench and death. I have to go to the bathroom and weep. Emotional strife and spiritual dryness erodes my broken heart as I go back each day and struggle to not be judgmental and agitated at everything. By the time I get home from a long day of work, I can't help but collapse at the collision of the Western world and the rest of the world. Culture-shock in our little, safe, cozy Christian America. God help us.
I hurt.
Single In A Relationship
It certainly hasn't been all that bad since I've been home though. One of the best things to happen is that I am now in a relationship with my best friend and former teammate on the World Race, Shari Scott! It's been an awesome journey to travel around the world and grow our friendship with the help and accountability of our L Squad family, and now as the transition from missionary life to American life continues to unfold, it's been such a blessing to have my best friend next to me. I can't thank everyone enough who has prayed for us, encouraged, equipped, and challenged us to become the son and daughter we are in Christ. Please continue to pray for us as we engage the Holy Spirit in guiding her and I on what's to come for our lives, individually and together. Isn't she beautiful!?
Community
My community is amazing. I don't know where I would be without them. City Beautiful Church has been a tremendous blessing. I love my city, Orlando.
With that said, I'm lost.
Lost.
Not because I don't have a community. I do. An amazing one.
Not because I'm not supported. I am. By so many people.
Not because I don't socialize with people. I'm extroverted; it's in my DNA.
It's because it's not Sweet Aroma.
I miss them so much.
I hallucinate.
Maybe I need medication.
Because I'll be walking around the city, around work, wherever,
and I'll hear Christin's country twang.
I'll hear Carly's laugh.
I'll see Tess from afar.
I'll wake up in the middle of the night, thinking I heard Noah's snore.
I'll see Jason around the corner.
I'll hear Emily's voice.
I'll hear Moriah's laugh.
But they're not there…
I miss my team so much. I've cried more about them more then anything so far. They were there for me. They were there. And now I feel lost without them. I feel lost. I miss them so much…
The Future
As I dry the tears from my eyes and hold on to the truth of it all, I embrace the mystery of what's to come in the next chapter of my life. I have a variety of things lined up for me in regards to the next chapter of my life. From preparing for long-term missions, to teaching and pastoring a small group at my church this fall/winter, to starting up my podcasts and website, to writing my first book, to empowering and engaging my church community, to finding a stable job, to continuing my education, to prayerfully discerning and enjoying my relationship with Shari, to finding a place to stay and roommates, and to simply not get caught up in the struggles and strife of this painfully beautiful journey called Post-Race reentry, I need the Lord's strength. I need Jesus. He is all I need. He is all I want.
He's led me around the world.
Now let's see what He has for me next.
