I was bare-footed. The cold, soft dirt rubbed closely to my knees. The tears tip-toed down the sides of my cheeks, like steady waves gliding across the sea. My right hand clinched my crackling-leather Bible, and my left hand covered my mouth so that my cries didn’t echo through the still, silent Thailand night. Here I was, once again, in the presence of God.
It began with an idea to have this great gathering of all three ministries that are here in Phuket, Thailand; the World Race, SHE Thailand Ministries, and YWAM, all together for the glory of God. SHE Thailand is the ministry that we, the World Race, are partnering with to help them this month. SHE also is partnering with YWAM, which is located conveniently two blocks way from us. So as we’ve been together working in ministry, we all decided to celebrate and come together to take a night off and have a worship night around a campfire. It would be a cold, deep, breath of fresh air for my soul.
The day was routinely normal. The guys worked hard, completing every single goal we had that day; put up some fencing, clear more of the lake, complete the bamboo wall inside the coffee shop. We’ve been blessed to be given renewed strength every day to bring Kingdom to this place, so that SHE can bring in girls rescued from sex trafficking as soon as they can.
The sun went down, the guys gathered wood from the surrounding jungle, and all three ministries became one gathering of sons and daughters celebrating what God is doing in Phuket, Thailand. During the worship time, we were invited to ask God for a message, a vision, an encouraging word, anything that God desired for this time together. I sat there, flipping through some passages of Scripture. The fire crackled, the heat rose, voices echoed alongside with the guitars, the night sky filled itself with stars hanging above. It was such a beautiful evening.
I caught myself staring into the flame. There was a stick standing tall, protruding itself out of the flame, as if it was reaching for the sky. It stood proudly, not giving into the flames. But slowly and surely the fire engulfed itself around it, and the stick bent over and allowed itself to be consumed.
Then He spoke.
Much like the stick, I found myself reaching out for false lights far away, thinking that they would give me joy. These “stars” in my life, these dim lights that portray themselves as resource for warmth, I try and reach them; money, security, the need to be loved, the American dream, etc. Like this stick I proudly reject the call to fall into the consuming, unending, everlasting love of God. In my arrogance I try and reach out for these trivial things, not realizing that the thing, or One, I really need is right there. And like the proud stick, I didn’t choose to be consumed. I was reaching the wrong way. But out of mere mercy and grace, God saved me. I didn’t raise myself from the dead. I couldn’t. But God in His grace spoke to my dead and decaying corpse and cried with a loud voice to me as he said to Lazarus “COME OUT!” It wasn’t because I was proud that I was saved, but because I was humbled by God that I was saved. It was when I cried out “God, be merciful to me, a sinner” that Christ reached down to me as I began to drown in the reckless sea of self and saved me for His glory! Jesus saved me, from sin, pain, hurt, severe depression, anger, confusion, bitterness, rage, sadness, and gave me a new life, a new heart, and He gave me the most precious gift to give; Himself! I have not just hope, but a God who gives me unending hope. I have not just love, but a God who defines Himself as love. I have not just peace, but a God who calls Himself the Prince of Peace.
And now I’m here,
In Phuket, Thailand.
In the dirt on this winter night
In a distant land hundreds of miles from home.
And I’m found in the arms of Love.
I found myself here on my knees again.
The cold, soft dirt rubbed closely to my knees. The tears tip-toed down the sides of my cheeks, like steady waves gliding across the sea. My right hand clinched my crackling-leather Bible, and my left hand covered my mouth so that my cries didn’t echo through the still, silent Thailand night. Here I was, once again, in the presence of God.
There is something so peculiar, so profound, so flabbergasting when one finds themselves once again in this state of soul-shaking phenomena. The God of the universe, the Creator of all existence, the very Being that is sustaining your heart right now as you read this without your will or conscious determining your heart to continue functioning properly so you can continue to live the life you were graciously given, this God, reached down to us. He came to us. Other religions worship stone and wood carvings created by the hands of man. But we commune to a God who created me with His own hands. And He’s here, with us. Christ lived, Christ died, Christ rose, and Christ is alive.
I wept. But not in pain. But of joy. The goodness of God overwhelms my soul, and I begin to weep enormously. I don’t deserve to be here, and yet God in His steadfast love brought me here. His grace, when I didn’t deserve it, was afforded to me. And now I am here, with my fellow brothers and sisters, sharing in the love of God in Christ Jesus. There’s nothing like this moment. There’s nothing like this feeling. I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. I want to again and again fall in love with Jesus. I want my life to be consumed by His everlasting love. I want to be consumed by His fire, His uncontrollable mercy. And as I stared up above, I gave thanks to God for all that He is, all that He has done, and all that He continues to do in my life. To God be the glory, forever and ever.
Amen.
A poem I wrote that night.
Entitled, “Great Wonder”
“O Lord, what great wonders Thy hands doth make,
As thy profuse such beauty that my heart can barely take
Our eyes by Thy awake
All for Thine Almighty namesake
Let Thy words warm my heart which grows cold
As Thy love begins to mold
How joyous it is to behold
Of Thy grace that my eyes unfold.
Darkness flees behind hellish gates
That Thy control and regulates
By sovereign decrees that demonstrates
Thy glory by which the elect celebrates
Shaken I grow weak as I find myself so far
Away of where Thy Lord’s presence are
My feet grounded on the earth and Thy like a star
Break me Potter, for I am Thy jar
Jar of clay to mirror the Lord
Sunken ship repaired board by board
To never sink again, but take up the sword
And become a battleship by Thy living Word
Hear the praise of the army of Christ
All offering their bodies as one living sacrifice
Truth set them free from that which would entice
But their souls had been paid in full price
O Lord I am here begging to be free
Send me Thy Spirit to unbind me
Shine Thy light for all to see
Make tongues confess bow every knee
Praise the Lord, the Giver of love
The Burning Bush, the Cross, and the Dove
I sing of God’s name in a deeper octave
All for the glory of God above
