So here I am trudging through the muck and mire of March, struggling against myself and my demons to lift a foot and take a step. I started thinking maybe I want to do a close study of John, “the disciple whom Jesus loved”. Then I started thinking about the Transfiguration. I thought about how the Lord is trying to show me something new, something different, something that might just knock me on my face. We needed someone to preach at church this past Sunday. I volunteered and decided to take a message with Matthew 17 as my jumping off point.
I ended up using Exodus 33 where Moses asks to see the glory of the Lord; Matthew 17 where Peter, James, and John see Jesus in the fullness of his glory; and 2 Corinthians 3 where Paul talks about the new covenant taking us from glory to glory. I talked about how in the law we can’t approach the Lord. I talked about how Jesus came to fulfill the Law and bring us into the presence of the Lord. I talked about how he does his work in and with intimacy. How Jesus desires intimacy from us. I talked about how we, for some reason, keep our hearts veiled. I talked about how when we fail to draw near to the King we negate the Lord’s sacrifice and deny ourselves the fullness of the gift of salvation. I talked about how, though we can rejoice in the glory we have received, there is more glory to be had. I said that we need to climb the mountain with our Lord, go to the intimate place, and let him carry us from glory to glory.
Sunday was a good day. In a month where I’ve often felt pretty dark, God’s light shone forth in and around me. I found some Joy. And I started thinking. Even when I don’t feel good, even when darkness reigns around me, the Gospel is still the same. God never changes. His mercy is there every day. And, man, that’s the stuff of life.
Here’s some stuff that Brennan Manning says in The Ragamuffin Gospel:
Though on a certain day you may be more depressed than anything else, is the general orientation of your life toward peace and joy? Are you diminished by other people’s perception of you or your own definition of yourself? Do you possess that touch of folly to transcend doubt, fear, and self-hatred and accept that you are accepted?If not, you probably belong to the brotherhood of the bedraggled, beat-up, and burnt-out. You may feel like a charred log in a fireplace, totally drained of energy, and unable to light a fire in yourself. Your personal inner resources appear to be exhausted
***
The first step toward rejuvenation begins with accepting where you are and exposing your poverty, frailty, and emptiness to the love that is everything. Don’t try to feel anything, think anything, or do anything. With all the goodwill in the world you cannot make anything happen. Don’t force prayer. Simply relax in the presence of the God you half believe in and ask for a touch of folly.
When I read this in the last chapter of the book, the weight of it hit me like a ton of bricks. This is exactly where I’ve been and what I’ve seen playing out. My one major rule this month was not to strive. Not to do anything. I refused to push against myself or anything else to get this Love thing.
As I navigated the month, or tried to, I was confronted time and again with “my poverty, frailty and emptiness”. And I made no excuses for it. I said, “That’s right I’m pretty messed up.” I said, “Even though I’ve learned a ton, and grown by leaps and bounds this year, I’m still a broken man.” Then God came in and said, “My Gospel is still the same. You are still my servant and my son. I told you I have a plan for you, and I’m still working it out. If you are willing my Spirit will flow through you and you will see my kingdom come.”
Those truths are what I was reminded of on Sunday. Even when I don’t feel good. Even when I feel very human, God is still God and his plans will prevail. If my heart is willing, his Spirit will show up and bless me and all those around.
So I think this is a good jumping off point for a new season. I have a little more hope. I have a little more faith. The next time I feel little bit down and I just want to take a nap and wait for it all to go away, I’ll remember that the Lord still works. I’ll remember that no matter how heavily the darkness weighs on me, the Lord is speaking and waiting to send his Spirit on those ready to receive.
Praise God. Praise God. Praise God.
