I cried at lunch yesterday. I guess I don’t have to be embarrassed about that. I hadn’t cried in a long time and it felt pretty darn good. Well it felt darn good afterward, during I was just sort of embarrassed that I broke down in a booth at Pueblo’s Mexican Restaurante.
I was talking with my supervisor/all-around man of influence in our organization. We weren’t talking about work. We were talking about my life. I had told him about some of the stuff that the Lord has been showing me about mine and Erin‘s life together. There are a few different words we’ve gotten from the Lord that are helping to give us some direction, but one to which we’ve called ourselves back fairly often is to “breathe fire wherever we go”. The conversation at lunch was helpful because “breathe fire” has felt even more vague in practice than it seemed when I first got the picture from the Lord.
We talked about how ultimately to “breathe fire wherever we go” means influence. We talked about how influence isn’t given or commanded, it’s earned. We talked about some of the ways I had begun to pursue influence. We talked about how I could do it better and be more proactive. We talked about how to best do it in line with core values of honor and respect, humility and teachability.
Then it all felt real big. And that’s when the dams broke and the waterworks flowed.
I’ve also been reading blogs lately from January 2010 Racers who just came off the field. They’re all beginning to evaluate what the World Race actually meant for them and how it’s going to change the way they live moving forward. This is a part of one of Auston Copeland’s blogs that caught my attention:
I told her what I did [over this last year] and her response was something like this: “wow,
that must have been an awesome experience, are you going to go back to
any of those countries?” My response was sharing with her about my plan
for Spain and for working in Asia and Eastern Europe one day. She said
that was an “ambitious plan.” Not sure why, but the first thing that
rolled off my tongue to her was “we all have a plan.” The look on her
face gave me the impression that she didn’t like that response… she
also said “plans change.”
If I read the rest of the blog correctly, Auston says he felt discouraged by the woman’s response. Really he just wanted the woman to understand that the Lord had given him a dream and that not to pursue it seemed foolish. He said “we all have a plan”, meaning we’re all chasing after something — he just decided to chase after something that the Lord had whispered in his ear this year.
I’ve been seeing more and more of my own dream lately. I’m beginning
to understand more of the things that the Lord has been whispering in
my ear the last couple years. I recognize now that the fullness of my
call includes working in the Church to bring a new encounter with, and
awareness of, the Holy Spirit. To explore the ministry of the Holy
Spirit. I want
to come to the folks who have been going to church all their lives that
are utterly confused as to why their marriage is still not what they
thought it would be or why their daughter won’t listen to a word they
have to say. My heart breaks for the people who are working so hard
every day with a picture of the Kingdom life, wondering how it’s ever
supposed to happen.
to understand more of the things that the Lord has been whispering in
my ear the last couple years. I recognize now that the fullness of my
call includes working in the Church to bring a new encounter with, and
awareness of, the Holy Spirit. To explore the ministry of the Holy
Spirit. I want
to come to the folks who have been going to church all their lives that
are utterly confused as to why their marriage is still not what they
thought it would be or why their daughter won’t listen to a word they
have to say. My heart breaks for the people who are working so hard
every day with a picture of the Kingdom life, wondering how it’s ever
supposed to happen.
When I felt like I was starting to cry at lunch yesterday, I tried to hold it back. Then it got be futile and I let the tears flow. My emotions were taking over. I started to process where it all was coming from.
I told my supervisor, sitting across the table, that I’ve never felt more determined in my life than I have since I got home from my leadership experience this summer. I’m ready to pursue the dream I described above. And that, ultimately, was the context for his and my conversation about influence. It was all starting to feel bigger. It was heavier.
In previous seasons of my life things like “big” and “heavy” and “difficult” would have deterred me from pressing forward. But they don’t anymore. I know it’s going to be hard. I know it’s going to take time. I know it’s going to cost me. I know I’ll have to prioritize. But I have no other choice. The only other option is not to pursue the vision the Lord has given me, and that option was off the table a long time ago.
And that’s why I cried. Not because I was discouraged or disappointed or rejected. I cried because as we talked about the work and effort and energy that goes into something like pursuing a call to “breathe fire wherever we go”, I knew that was my life. I knew that was what I had to do. And I felt the weight of it. The sense of purpose and of passion was overwhelming. Those were the feelings that pushed tears down my face.
I told this to my supervisor as we finished the chips and salsa, and I ended up saying:
“I have nothing else to do with my life but make this happen.”
That’s prophetic passion, folks. You see a need in the world (e.g. people are dying in our churches and they need to experience the empowerment of the Spirit to carry them to holiness). That need breaks you. You count the cost of moving to meet that need and feel the weight of it (e.g. you bust out in tears at Pueblo’s Mexican Restaurante). You realize that if your life is not in some way about this thing, this thing that breaks your heart and moves you to tears, then your life may always feel like it’s about nothing at all. So you give it all up and you do something about.
