I've been trying to wrap my head around training camp for two days now, and apparently it hasn't been long enough. I can't seem to find the words to describe where I'm at and what God has done in my life, so bear with me as I pray for the Lord's words to flow through my mouth because my brain looks like the mush I ate for a few meals this week. =)
I've looked for love in so many places. First as a little girl, in the approval of my parents. I longed for them to be proud, and proud they were, but it was never enough. And then I looked for love in sports, in being good on the basketball court in a gym full of people. I longed to succeed, to win, to triumph. I worked and worked to get better, and my speed quickened and my shot improved, but it was never enough. I looked for love in friends, in the "popular" crowd of people who looked at my clothes, my hair, and my body and never any deeper. I gave them my time, my money, and the small amount of self-worth I had left, but it was never enough. I looked for love in men, in acceptance and worth, in security and plans. I changed myself, gave myself, and hurt myself to fill the void and emptiness that shadowed my life, but it was never enough. And then I looked for love in independence, in self-security and tangible success. I worked long hours, had big goals, and wore myself with worry, but it was never enough. I was never enough.
When I got to camp I was in chains. I dragged around baggage in broken relationships, in failures, in my need for something more. It was heavy and hard and my body begged for relief. My mind was a fog, and fear gripped me as I wondered when God would finally break through. I prayed and my mind was black, worshipped and I was tense, my chest literally tight as God continued to break down the walls I worked so hard to keep up. And then it happened. True love, the kind I've longed for, searched for, and worked so hard for, flooded through my body as my knees hit the ground and the tears spilled out. Freedom! FREEDOM! No more chains, no more guilt. I was light and free, my heart open and overflowing with love from above. "I LOVE YOU!, I LOVE YOU!, I LOVE YOU!" screamed the Lord into my soul… And I believed Him! And then I saw it… The Father running to His son, with arms wide open, pouring out His love. For so long, I've been the one running, the one searching, the one working for this love. And all along it was right there, in front of me. God was running TOWARD me, and all I needed was to be still and receive it. I am a daughter of the One most High, I am LOVED and cherished. I am FREE in this love.
I'm still not sure what this will look like… This newfound freedom and peace in the Lord. All I know is that my heart is full and His love is spilling over into my life. I have 6 weeks left in the U.S. before I leave for the year… And while I plan on soaking up every ounce of my time at home, my heart is anxious and ready to go.
Check back for more updates about training camp, to see how support raising is going, and what God does in my final weeks at home.
"Love, it will not betray you, dismay you, or enslave you, it will set you free."
-Mumford & Sons
