I feel like God has been calling me to expose my scars recently so I can glorify His name. The thought of it scared me. He keeps pushing me to trust Him deeper and all I can think of is “His will be done”. I want to lead with vulnerability this year. I know God can heal broken hearts. I can’t begin this journey without believing He can do it to me first.
Ali, one of the representatives for our Beauty for Ashes Team, gave me a word today that said “Jackie, I will never fall out of love with you. -The Father”. I feel that has been tangible in my life for a few years now. God has been my stability, my constant and everything I have needed since I gave my plans to Him. However, I have limited Him to do His work in me.
I refused to share my story unless it was with someone I would be close to. I have decided to change that. I am sharing this story to lead with vulnerability so others can open up and to glorify God because I wouldn’t be able to do this without Him. I don’t only want to hear others stories but I want to present them with healing. There is healing in Jesus.
About 6 years ago I was heart broken. My heart was broken because I was engaged and the engagement broke off. I felt shame after that. I tried not to cry in front of people or show any worry about what had happened. I knew God allowed it to happen because I had prayed about it before it happened. There is not a doubt in my mind that I am currently in God’s will and that relationship was not God’s will for me. However, there was pain and confusion at the time. I had a checklist on my life. God threw it out the window once I allowed Him to lead my life; when I prayed for that. Instead of walking into God’s will I spiraled into a depression and alcoholism.
I could be sitting in a room full of people and I would feel lonely. I would drink to numb the loneliness. My feelings didn’t make sense. After hitting rock bottom I knew there was no way what I was doing was going to end well. I decided to let God in and let Him heal me only to the extent of not exposing the pain. I have been ashamed of my scars.
In training camp I learned that there is healing in exposing shame. I realized I had not completely forgiven to the degree where I would feel freedom in sharing my story. How can a wound heal if we don’t expose it?
I have been placed in a ministry, Beauty for Ashes, to usher women into healing. My story includes a broken heart, pain, tears, confusion and forgiveness. One of my leaders taught me that the tears I have cried are Holy tears. I am allowed to have them. My scars are beautiful to God and it’s okay to not have it all figured out. I can feel these emotions.
I DON’T cry out of wanting a relationship that was not God’s will. I DON’T cry out of confusion for God’s purpose in my life. I DON’T hate him. I cry for the unknown. I cry because of shame in disobedience to God. I am learning to process and understand God’s will in my life. I am being healed by Jesus’ wounds (Isaiah 53:5). I am learning my worth and finding my identity in Him. However, I need to say, “Hey, here are my scars” so I can say “and this is how Jesus healed them”. I truly need to understand God can give me Beauty for Ashes in my life (Isaiah 61:3). I just need to be willing to be vulnerable. My story matters.
In regards to my pain? I choose to forgive daily until the feelings catch on. I have decided to trust the unknown to a KNOWN God. So, hey…Here are My Scars Jesus! I will let everyone see them. DO what you must with them so your name can be glorified.
“Since we have such a hope, we are very bold.” 2 Corinthians 3:12
“And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32
“Let the redeemed of the LORD tell their Story”. Psalm 107:2
