India has been hard. Culture shock hit the moment I stepped out of the plane. The poverty is intense. The cry for Jesus is REAL. Idols are at every corner. India has reminded me a lot of where my life is at; busy and in need of God. I’ve had to climb mountains that seem intimidating. I’ve experienced loss along the way and gained trust in my relationship with God.
God had shown me that this was going to be one of my toughest months, but little did I know what was coming my way. It’s been overwhelming how many things have happened in such a short period of time but God has kept me standing.
I have been living with 6 strangers for the past month and sleeping in a small room with all of them. We got very little time alone and there’s a lot of waiting. Waiting on the ministry host to tell us what we will be doing, waiting on transportation, waiting on plans to be made and then waiting after they have been canceled. Long bus rides, long car drives and longer train rides.
In a strange way it’s all been rewarding. Rewarding because I am in God’s will. Rewarding because I keep trusting Him in the unknown. Rewarding because ALL things work for our good. Trust has been the main highlight of this month. Trusting His will, His plans for my life and His way. I can feel the molding. I’ve learned to experience God in the waiting. The hard times are when you can hear Him loudest.
I’ve preached in small villages where we were the first foreigners to share the gospel. I have loved on children that have had hard stories to share, led women in a Bible Study and dealt with things I thought would be impossible to do. I remember thinking several times in training camp that if I would experience certain things in the World Race I would quit. Yet, here I am, experiencing them, still going, still wanting more and still pressing on.
My story is not one of sadness or hurt. I’ve learned God wants joy for me. I’ve learned He wants adventure. He wants to show me I am capable of HARD THINGS as long as I am with Him. So, as I sit here in a train ride in India, I will tell you some of my hard things I’ve experienced. I will let you in on part of my journey. Not just to tell you another story but to encourage you. Do hard things with Jesus. Share His gospel. Be a little more BRAVE than usual. Watch Him AMAZE you. He wants to show you His WONDER.
The mountain:
If there is one thing everyone knows is that I am NOT the most fit person in my team! I don’t like working out. When I’ve worked out it has been one of those things of, “ok let’s get this over with”. I don’t enjoy the pain or the process in hikes. I’m there for the view.
Our first day in the orphanage they told us we would be climbing a mountain to preach to villages. I was already overwhelmed about the 12-hour bus ride, the culture shock and to add on top of it I had to think of overcoming a mountain. I was able to talk to one of my Squad Leaders, Carmella (she’s on my top favorite human beings list) and share my heart with her.
I was scared to let my teammates know, I was scared to be left behind and I was scared to miss out. Carmella and I prayed together. I prayed by myself and I let my team know. They prayed over me. Peace fell onto me. On the day of the hike we went up a steep mountain that took 2 hours to get to the top. They were painful hours and I could have sworn we were going slower than 2-hours worth of pain. Not only was it rewarding to arrive but I was able to preach that night. I preached to myself more than anything. God worked things beautifully having one of my teammates give a testimony on the same topic: trust, faith and perseverance. We didn’t plan this but that’s how God works.
Loss:
Shortly after I arrived from the mountain, where I had no reception, I noticed my phone wasn’t working. My teammates started to mess with it to get it to work. I started to feel this nudge that I needed to call home. I called my mom’s phone but my dad answered. I asked how was my grandma doing because she had been sick. He gave a sigh and I started asking “what’s going on?” He said she was fine and she was feeling better. I could hear it in his voice. He was about to give me bad news. My dad told me he had been trying to get a hold of me for a few days. I started getting frustrated with him and asked him to just say it. He told me one of my uncles had just passed away. Our conversation went on but my heart ached. My grandpa had passed away about a few months ago and I knew how my dad had felt that day. Now, all I wanted to do was hug him at this moment. I couldn’t. I had to trust God on this one. I couldn’t understand why God let it work out this way. My dad kept telling me he was fine and there was this peace he just couldn’t understand. After our call I still felt confused. Why was my dad receiving this peace but all I felt was useless? I wasn’t home. I couldn’t take control over this situation. What if my family needed me? Why now? I didn’t understand that God was in the middle of it all. He’s in the pain, He’s in the distance, He’s in the hurt, He’s in the mess, He’s in the good and He’s in the bad. My teammates prayed for me that night. I went to sleep with heaviness. The next day we did ministry in a small village.
This lady was smiling at me the entire time. She started dancing during the service. The entire time I could feel her staring at me. Her joy started slowly transferring. I started laughing with her. It was an uncontrollable laughter. I hadn’t laughed like this in a long time. She came up to my teammates and I to pray for her. We couldn’t control ourselves. The joy was tangible. We were trying so hard to just bless her but our bellies were full of laughter. Joy had never felt so REAL. At the end of the night we saw it all come together. God had turn my mourning into joy. It was indescribable! Moments before I couldn’t think I could bare a moment more at the World Race. I had been talking to my teammates before church about funny moments we had to cheer myself up. I felt God was like “let me show you a better one!” I still can’t explain it. I still am going through it. The pain, the distance and the feeling of helplessness. However, I see God allowing me to have a moment of joy during pain.
Processing:
I’ve been learning to process. Processing has helped me to accept the things I can’t change and move forward. Sometimes this means gazing at the stars and talking to Jesus. Other times this means reading the word or being in prayer. Processing has been done in community and alone. I’ve processed my past, my plans, my dreams, my goals and my feelings. It’s so good to find Jesus in the midst of our chaos. To see Him in the things that sting and the things that can be confusing. It’s amazing to feel Him in the questions. I don’t always get answers, but I always feel Him there, hearing me out. My relationship has grown through the hard things because God makes all things work for our good.
I am sure I am writing this because someone out there needs to hear this. Trust Jesus. Talk to Jesus. He hears you and He can help you. I am working on this myself so don’t feel alone in it. I believe these 11 months are part of my molding process and my deconstruction process. He is taking me to higher ground to show me new things but also asking me to leave things behind. Trust the process because He has a plan.
Thank you for the constant support, prayers, love and donations. I am still $4,952 short from my goal to be fully funded. Please feel free to share my blog or information with anyone to help me get close to being fully funded. I appreciate you all very much!
