Awkwardness: Being not sure of yourself in a situation you are encountered in.
When I started the world race last September, I said to my teammates many times, “This is awkward.” It even got to a point that Sarah commented that I had a lot of awkward situations. As the year progressed, I became less and less awkward and more and more sure of myself.
I have been home for a little over a month. This time for me is defined by understanding who I am and who I am not. I have done a lot of things I would have not done before the race. I got to spend three weeks with my parents and did practically everything with them. I will now mention that I am in South Dakota and I love it here. I am realizing that it is very laid back and relaxing. It is just what I have needed since getting home. I have given talks to churches and groups. I have played bingo with my grandparents because my mom and I showed up at the wrong time at the nursing home. I have seen friends and will continue to meet with my friends this fall. I have visited some elderly people because sometimes they need someone to just talk to. I have met new friends by going to random barbeques (Something I definitely would not have gone to before the race). I have gone to many different churches trying to decide which one would be a fit for me and decided to go to a church in Bruce, SD to help them out since they helped me out. I have had great walks with my mom talking about where I am going and her helping me to understand my life. I have spoiled my nieces that I love to death. I have moved in with my sister and brother-in-law to help them with the housework and the girls. The last and most important thing is that I have been listening to God’s direction in my life. I am starting to understand who God made me to be and walk in it.
The one thing I know for certain in my life at this point is that I will be in the mission field in some form within 5 years. What I will do in between times I do not know, I do not think I want to know. I know that 5 years ago I was in Wichita, Kansas. If I would have know all that I would have gone through in the following years, I would have ran, ran fast in the opposite direction. I would be in total shock to see where I was going to go to. All I know is that my greatest desire is to live in poor countries or communities and empower the people to build up their own community. I do not want to be the missionary that goes to a country or a place and does everything. I want to show the people what things they need to do in order to improve their own living. I will give the tools in the places I visit for the people to succeed.
This brings me to my life now. I am living with my sister(Maria), her husband(Lyle), her two children(Harriet and Grace), and a friend(Kortney). I get to help clean the house and take care of the two beautiful girls. I am working temporary jobs in the community. I registered with a temporary agency that will place me when the jobs come available. I will do substitute teaching when it comes available. I do have a full time job that starts around November 9. I will teach high school math at a local high school from whenever the baby comes until Christmas break.
I have decided I want to understand things I do not fully understand right now. I want to understand the things that I have not been taught growing up in a church. I want to be in a community that will help me to grow in my faith and challenge me in things I truly do not understand. I want to struggle through things in order to change more than I have already. In order to do this, I am moving to Colorado in January. It took me a while to decide, but I know this is where God has called me. I wish I could look down the road in 5 years and see why I need to move to Colorado, but then I do not really want to. I just want to be used by God and truly understand things before I go into full time missions in another country.
The time at home has been strange. When I tell people what I have done, they stare at me in awe. They say you did something amazing. I do not feel this way. I may have done something that was amazing to others, but the main thing I did was follow God’s will for my life. I did change this year. My awkward moments have dwindled considerably. I have more confidence in myself than I have before in my life. I know what I want and I will do anything to achieve that goal. The only thing I want to do is follow God’s will and seek him fully everyday.
