This Saturday I sat on the edge of a murky lake, listening to the words of a song that said “I will pursue You, I will pursue Your presence. I’ll give my life for this one thing.” All I could think was “will I really give my life for this one thing?” I had a few weeks worth of worry built up that needed to come out:
“What the heck am I gonna do after the race? What if I’m stuck working a job I hate just so I can pay off school debt? Is this year a waste of time? Am I just throwing away a year that should be spent working towards establishing myself as a responsible adult? Maybe I should just go home early and get control of my life. I don’t know if I can trust Your plan. I don’t know if I want to. Because I know what I want, and what if its not what You want? I don’t know if You’re enough for me.” I think its safe to say I have a little problem with control; but what I love about my Father is that I’m allowed to ask the hard questions. I’m invited to be frustrated and throw a childish “what if” or “I want” tantrum because just as a parent knows how to soothe their anxious children, He knows how to beckon me back to His pasture of acceptance. So we talked for a long while, and one by one, as I lowered my barriers and invited Him into a vulnerable space, He showed me what wasn’t surrendered…and it was painful.
“Daughter, do you believe that I am enough for you if you never got married?
If you never had children?
If you never had a 401K?
If you never had the security of a steady paycheck?
If you were seen as irresponsible and reckless?
If I called you stay in the states and never go overseas again?
If I called you to move overseas and never see your family again?
Can I call on you? Will you hear me? Or will you be busy worried with your plans?”
So I fought, and cried, and wrestled, and worried, and eventually…I surrendered. “Yes Jesus- You will always be enough for me.” And in that, it was as if an oasis of grace and comfort washed over me, and I was flooded with promises:
“See here, the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you, by being anxious, will add a single hour to his span of life? …Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.”
Matthew 6
“The Kingdom of Heaven is like treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and covered up. Then, in his joy, he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field.”
Matthew 13:35
“Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, they will be satisfied.”
Matthew 5:6
“All authority in heaven and earth has been given to me. Therefore, GO and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, even to the end.”
Matthew 28:18-20
“Do not fear those who kill the body, but cannot kill the soul.”
Matthew 10:28
“…for the accuser of our brothers who accuses them day and night before our God has been thrown down. Yes, they have conquered him by the blood of the Lamb and the word of their testimony, for they loved not their lives, even unto death.”
Revelation 12:11
“Let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable beauty of a gentle heart and a quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.”
1 Peter 3:4
“Hear, O Daughter, and consider, and incline your ear: forget your people and your father’s house, and the King will desire your beauty. Since He is your Lord, bow to Him.”
Psalm 45:10-11
“I consider that the sufferings of this life are not even worth comparing to the glory that is to be revealed to us.”
Romans 8:18
“Peace I leave with you. My peace, I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.”
John 14:27
“I’ve told you these things so that in me you will have peace. In this world, you will have tribulation, but take heart- I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33
“Surely, I am coming soon.”
Revelation 22:20
I knew that this year was designed to make me uncomfortable with the world’s measure of success and happiness. I knew that it was meant to make me question what was really worth living for- what was really going to satisfy me. Still, I thought I was just abandoning my comfort for 11 months. This month, I realized that I’m called to abandon everything, forever. And in doing so, I’ve discovered that this is truly living.
Reckless (adj): without thinking or caring about the consequence of an action.
Abandon (verb): to give up completely (a course of action, a practice, or a way of thinking).
As Elisabeth Elliot said, I have one desire now- to live a life of reckless abandon for the Lord- putting all my strength and energy into it.
“There’s nothing that I have need of, cause there’s nothing You haven’t done- I’ve made up my mind, and I’m never going back.”
