I officially begin this journey we’ve all been preparing for in 2 weeks…but the time leading up to this has been incredibly eye-opening and I haven’t even left American soil yet. From the moment I was called to apply to this very second, Jesus has used this time to walk with me into very uncomfortable territory. For the past 2 months since leaving training camp, it has been this place where I have had to choose to reside, knowing that this was the place my faith was promised to be strengthened. And it has been HARD. If there is one thing I have realized about myself in the past few months, its that I have gotten very, very comfortable hiding behind these walls I’ve built around myself, and as they have been painfully bull-dozed, the constant promise Jesus whispers to me is “There is more, dear.”
With every wall He tore down my eyes beheld just how much I was missing. My wall of pride was hindering me from compassion. My wall of insecurity was keeping me from the fullness of joy. My wall of un-trust was holding me back from incomparable intimacy with God. My wall of fear was holding me back from the deeper faith I craved. My wall of defense built with all my past hurts was hindering me from the freedom found in forgiveness.
Jesus showed me just how thick my walls were- walls that have accumulated over my whole life and have framed the way I think and respond to situations…and He showed me that He understood me fully. And I think the most baffling thing of it all was that He still wanted me when we were sitting there in my mess. Like, there I was totally exposed for who I truly am…my innermost being, thoughts, intentions, motives, beliefs, all on display, and He didn’t run. He didn’t leave me where I was and say “I’ll be back in 2 months you have until launch to figure this out.” He sat with me, He helped me work through it all, and when I walked away He stayed there waiting to pick up where we left off, and when it was too hard He waited until I was ready to talk about it.
It hurts. It’s not fun. I have been more emotional than I knew was possible for even a female. And satan has enjoyed using this time to discourage me. There are times I only see my flaws and not how far I’ve come…there are times I buy into the lie that perfection is the only gift worth giving and so I withhold the beautiful mess that is mine to give and His to use… and sometimes I still go back and pick up the crushed brick and attempt to rebuild the wall that I was hiding behind for so long…(we’re working on that). He always seems to draw my attention to that small crack in the broken bricks where I see again what lies on the other side: more.
When I think about leaving, when I try to envision the next 11 months, the only thing my hope is really set on is that this season of brokenness would bring me to the “more” He promised….and maybe “more” looks like a whole lot less of me. I’ll keep you posted.
