Can I tell you that today its hard to want to live an abandoned life? Can I tell you that I’m afraid of missing out on a year of life with the people I love? Can I confess that I’m afraid of being forgotten? Can I admit that I’m afraid of being replaced by someone who was around for all the inside jokes and tears and midnight talks that I wasn’t there for? Can I tell you I’m seriously upset about missing my friend’s wedding? I’ll miss out on my friend’s kids 2nd year of life…when they start talking and walking, I won’t be there. I’ll miss new beginnings for the people I love- I won’t be around for the milestones.
In 6 short weeks I’m leaving America for 11 months and while I’m so excited to GO…I’m scared to leave everything behind.
So I take all these obnoxious emotions that I still don’t like dealing with and I deal with them. Because I’m allowed to feel the way I’m feeling and somehow that realization sets me totally free from the pressure to be “pretty” and eloquent when I pray. So through ugly-crying and snot and wet pillows and all the junk that comes with emotion, He meets me where I am. And He sits down and says:
“come out of hiding, you’re safe here with me.
There’s no need to cover what I already see…
I tore the veil for you to come close…
there’s no reason to stand at a distance anymore.”
–Out of Hiding, Stephaine Gretzinger
In the safety of His Presence I hand Him my aching heart trusting that He has the remedy. As we sit together He whispers a familiar invitation: “Take up your cross. Deny yourself. Forget your father’s house. Follow me.” So I put my hand to the plow…and with faith that what’s ahead is surpassingly greater than what I leave behind, I press forward…toward my prize of His Presence…and I don’t look back.
