There were times at camp where I felt like I was trying so hard to press in to God or fit in with others. But when I tried to press in to God I felt no one was on the other side of the line, and when I tried to fit in with my squad, I just ended up feeling insecure and looking foolish. What to do?
A Buoy on a River
On the second day, I was trying to feel something during worship session, but nothing came, or so I thought, I am learning not to solely rely on my emotions to know that the presence of God is near, more on that another time. I looked at the squad trainers that went to minister to other squad-mates. Do they even care, do they even know my name? As if on cue, my squad trainer Holli Scott came over. She is a soft-spoken woman, but her voice now carried much power, “I see you as a buoy on a river, floating peacefully. That river represents God.” Her words clearly came from a higher source, not herself, as the moment they came out of her mouth I felt the lightness yet weightiness of it. “You are a bearer of peace Jackie, a peacemaker on the squad, on the Race and for the world around you. God has a special role ready just for you." I trembled as I listened, feeling every word. "Go now, you have the authority to impart peace to others. Even now, to lay hands and pray for your squad mates as you wish. You have His blessing.” This was all I needed to hear in order to let go of my own trying, of my own insecurities to unleash all that is within me, and then to reach outside of myself and pray with another. It was a treasurous worship session.
A View from the Top
These are words from my squadmate Jake for me during a listening prayer session: "You are on a plane, the view from your window seat down to the ocean is a good one, but it's a 10,000 ft view. The ocean is God's love. God wants you swimming in the ocean, deep in His love, instead of admiring His love from afar. Something is keeping you from jumping out the plane. It could be insecurity, unforgiveness, or something else. Fear and doubt are keeping you further from fully experiencing His love and grace. Now is the time to jump out of the plane into His ocean of love, where you can see the jellyfish, sea turtles, flounder, and all the wonders and intrinsic beauty of the ocean, to experience the depth and various detail of His love."
Again, these weren't merely made up words of a lofty imagery, they came from a higher source, as the effect they had on me upon hearing were unmistakable. It's time to jump, I said in total sincerity: "I'm jumping now." In my minds eye, I could see myself stepping off that plane and plunging into the ocean, it was a scary jump, but I knew I had to do it and the reward would be great. By jumping, I'm leaving two of my biggest insecurities behind, my age and looks. There's no turning back, only the rush of the fall and the refreshing blue waves of His love engulfing me as I hit the water.
My second uncovered treasure is that tho' I don't know yet know, there's purpose in His timing and His creation. To doubt that He could use me now in the exact age I am and in exactly how I look is to not trusting Him. I am the answer to someone's prayers, whether a younger squad mate looking for an older sister/mentor, a Malaysian mother looking to talk to an Asian American who will hear her story without judgement, or a Kenyan boy who just wants to hold my hand and watch in amusement as I teach him a song I learned at VBS here in the US. I know that just as my calling is unmistakable, so is the timing and my identity in myself and in who I am in Him.
To be continued.
Please support me on this Race.
