Grieving Team Changes and Starting Over
The below was written on Nov 30th.
I woke up and wished it was a dream.
Lastnight, Seth and KK broke the news to Team Fire Starters that a team change is to take place, that Sarah, Meg and I are to stay together, and Jen, Bryan, Kaitlyn and Andrew are going to other existing teams. This is so that we can all be in safe and encouraging environments to continue processing through the deeper issues of our lives and grow in our intimacy with God.
I was grossly uncomfortable after hearing the news. These 6 people together have become my family in the last 3 months. We've endured the severely hot weather of Honduras, the rain in Guatemala, and the cool November in Nicaragua. We've seen each other robbed, cried our eyes out, puked, pooped, dirty and stinky, at our best and worst. Yes, maybe we are still yet on our way to be a complete safe team, but no one caught hard enough of our team to stay together. After three months, it only took one night to say goodbye to 4 people.
I am fighting to take my time in grieving the loss of our team. It is okay to grieve this loss. Grieving takes time, and God told me that tears are okay so I'm crying a river.
The below was written on Dec 5th
Now that I've been with Team Shiloh for a few days, I'm managing it on a daily basis. I'm missing the people I was once emotionally close to who are no longer here. I am starting this from scratch again, to rebuild friendships, vulnerability and intimacy (in-to-me-see). It's going to take time, no doubt.
In many ways, this is more challenging than any of the other teams on L squad. as there's no continuity with 3 from my previous team and 3 from another previous team, neither of which exists anymore and combined to become something new together. But at the same time, we've been granted a chance to start over, truly RENEW everything. The makeup of the group. The dynamics. The culture and norms. The jokes. The bonds. We get to decide on everyone of these areas.
We leave our past groups and past mistakes and past regrets behind. We get a redo. We're the only team on the squad that truly gets to do that because we are the only brand new team, truly. It's God's gift to us, to the six of us.
The makeup of the team is intrinsically thought out, each member just right fit of the group as a whole. The creation of the group thought out htourghly and prayerfully weighed before God by the leaders. The six of us women, beautifully and wonderfully make, for such a time as these. Who am I to doubt, who am I to fear, who am I to say I don't belong? I surrender all. I release my own expect tat ions. I empty the things I'm holding on. I accept the gift that is team Shiloh. Lord, I thank you for Shiloh. I give myself to you again, obediently.
*I introduce to you Team Shiloh, which means God's gift, and the one who will be sent. The team consists of Laura Novak, Sarah Perrotto, Meg Hill, Amanda Grimwood, Cheyanne Hardy, and myself. Pray for us!
