I'm learning that to lead on the race is foremost about living an authentic self. Before caring for others, before connecting with our contacts, before facilitating team time, before delegating roles and responsibilities to other team members, before figuring out daily schedules, it is first about being free to be yourself, being true to yourself, being who God's made you to be.
It's about showing who you are, being willing to be vulnerable, standing in the face of fear of unwillingness and moving forward, it is being the first to opt in no matter how hard it is and how unmovable the others are. Looking back, I may not have done the best job at being a team leader based on the above descriptions, I was busy and weary from carrying other team members burdens in the last two months that I haven't had the chance to be myself.
After some time of reflection and prayer this week, and having a few conversations with my amazing squad leaders KK, Carly and Seth, I am finally getting it now, in order to be my most authentic self with others and not be afraid of their reactions or care too much about one's perceptions, I need to drink deeply from the living water, I need to drink often, daily, hourly, in every moment. I need to be connected to God, to be in tune with God, in whom my pleasure, approval and confidence come from solely. It is in Him that I find true fulfillment and rest.
This morning, God gave me the gift of rest, and I felt a release from leading my team for this coming season. With boldness and confidence I stand behind my decision and said goodbye to my role as the team leader for Fire Starters for the time being. I'm not sure how long this season is, or what it looks like exactly, all I know is that I am fighting for myself so hard and so bad right now. I have wanted this race to be a love affair between God and I, a treasure hunt between a Father and a daughter, and as powerful and amazing as it is being in leadership, it's no comparison to what it's like in pursuing after God's heart.
So I relinquish my right to being a leader, I release each of my team members back to God, I stand with my hands open, palms spread. I hold on to nothing on this race God, everything is yours. You give and you take a way.
Lord, thank you for these two beautiful months of leading my team, I never cried harder and prayed so much, and learned many tough lessons. In this process, I started to love each and everyone of my team members, Meg, Sarah, Brian, Andrew, and Jen. I look forward to a new beginning. As I pray for my team on what this new season looks like, He gave me the word "RENEWAL" for the team, it's a new place to start, a refreshing new chapter that we will allow God to help us write. Please pray for me as I discover how to rest in His presence and fall deeper in love with Him and for my team as we start fresh this month in our seven person family living on a closed off campsite.
A quick update about Month 3: Starting tomorrow, we will be working at Vida Joven, a Young Life camp near Matagalpa, Nicaragua. I may not have much internet this month but still hope for sporatic updates every few weeks! Blessings & love to you.
