(Written 2/9)
"You are precious; I keep hearing the word precious. And God loves it when you sing to Him."
Those are the words Kehinde, my squadmate, had for me from God one night at the beginning of February.
Her words for me came after an amazing hour of worship. In that hour, something happened within me – the Holy Spirit came up into my throat, through my vocal chords, and out of my mouth. I sang with a strength and confidence I haven't experienced before or since. It was not of me. But God inspired my voice to sing to Him that night. And receiving those words of encouragement from my squadmate inspired a whole revelation.
I thought back on my life, and how afraid I've always been to sing. I always enjoyed singing in the shower, but I've never allowed myself to really sing outside of that. I'm no Adele, and I have always been afraid and lacked confidence in singing publically, even when I wanted to. I thought back to junior high, when I really, really wanted to try out for choir. I didn't because I was too afraid of rejection and failure. I had mostly forgotten that until now, but it reoccurred to me with regret.
My experience that night – singing out like I never have before and Kehinde's words – made me think. It made me realize how fear-driven I am. Even writing about my voice on this blog is terrifyingly more vulnerable than I've been comfortable with in the past.
And there goes the fear…
God used my timidity in singing to reveal a greater lesson: my fear-driven decision-making that holds me back from Him. In so many ways I've overcome or am overcoming my fear, but He revealed that most of my main hinderances and issues come out of roots of fear. It really clicked for me that night, but the revelation continued.
The following night, my whole squad was invited into a night of sharing and vulnerability with the group. As Christians, we really believe in sharing one's deepest secrets, hardest hurts, and most embarrassing failures. In our community, we love you no matter what you have been through and are struggling with; it is a safe place to share. And we believe sharing these things takes away much of the power and holds they have on our lives. It is still a hard thing to do though; get up in front of 50 people and release the personal things that are hard to bring to the light.
Although I usually don't have a hard time opening up, God told me He wanted me to share about my struggles with escapism, procrastination, laziness, and lack of follow-through. Although that may not seem like a huge deal to you, to me it has been a major embarrassment in my life and something I felt I had to hide in the past. It has affected my life negatively, hurting some of my relationships and limiting my opportunities. I have been less than the person I've wanted to be in these ares, and I've experienced shame and failure due to these weaknesses.
Therefore, I wanted to keep the truth about these struggles hidden. As soon as God told me to share that part of me, I told Him flat out, "No." My embarrassment, resistance, desire to hide and avoid – and my decision-making by fear – flared up again with fervor.
But despite my obstinate resistance to what God was asking, He reminded me of what happened the previous night. I wanted to shut Him out, but I continued to recall what He did with my voice when I let go and let Him lead. He asked, "Are you going to have faith in Me? I want to do great and wonderful things. Or are you going to hide in fear? Trust me; I have better things in store for you."
So, I sat and waited, still unsure what I was going to do. I didn't know if I would have the courage to get up and share. Until this one extra-long moment of silence, where something outside my control propelled me out of my seat and in front of the group, I didn't know if I was going to follow God's direction or not.
But I faced my fear, failures, and embarrassment. I shared deep-seated feelings and experiences that needed to come to light.
And there goes the fear…
And I felt released; I felt free. The next morning I woke up so much lighter, freed from the bondage and power of many of those struggles. I mean, look! These struggles have so much less power over me, I can even share them on this blog!
And the added bonus of sharing as God told me is I trust the Lord's voice and leading even more than before.
Today, I trusted His leading again and got to pray beautiful things for Cintia, a 15 year-old girl from the vicinity of Talanga, Honduras. God wanted to tell her how He sees her – as a princess, a very special woman, intelligent, beautiful, and unique. I only able to participate in God breathing that life into her by listening to His prompting during an awkward time where I crouched on the floor next to her. In order to get up the nerve to interrupt and pray for her, I had to get over the improper timing of His prompting, decide my inadequate Spanish was not a hinderance, and move past my fear of impropriety or embarrassment. I had to choose faith instead of fear.
And there goes the fear…
That's the lesson. That's what God is teaching me right now – extreme faith in His direction over my fears, practicality, and over-analyzing. In the past, I've only tried to overcome my tendency to over-analyze by becoming a pendulum to the opposite extreme of rashness. But that's not God's heart either. God loves common sense and practicality – just not when it overrules faith in His direction or becomes a guide above His voice.
God's voice is certainly the voice I want to follow above my fearful inner-self. But God wants more than that – He wants us to follow His voice in faith above ALL other voices. Even though His voice is not always the clearest voice, it is wiser, better, and more loving than any other. And it is the voice that allows for an adventurous, fulfilled, free, and deeply peaceful life.
God voice is the voice I choose to follow.
And there goes the fear…
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Self reflection: what voice do you listen to and follow most? Is it an internal voice of yours, another loved one's, the divine voice of God, or the voice of an inspirational figure? What are the drivers and motivations behind that voice – is it to tear you down, lift you up, accomplish something, or is it about realizing and living in something more beautiful far beyond yourself or your own imagination? This week, I encourage you to examine the voices you give the space and authority to in your life. Even as Christians, sometimes the voice we allow to speak most is the not the voice of our loving God.
