so I know that this blog is supposed to be all about me and everything God is showing me and doing in my life leading up to the World Race, but I just want to be honest and genuine with you guys. Not taking on this fake persona of “the perfect Christian” or pretending as though I am somehow closer to God than anyone else because I am going on this mission trip.
To be totally 100% honest, I have been struggling lately. With training camp getting closer and closer (t-21 days btw) the stress has been getting to me. Don’t get me wrong, even the preparation process for the World Race is exciting and I am so so grateful that God has given me this opportunity, but it has also been overwhelming. With all the gear I need to buy, the things I need to pack, HOW to pack, (9 months worth of living materials into a backpack??? LORD HELP ME), getting vaccinations for diseases I have never even heard of, preparing not only physically, but mentally and spiritually, I have been feeling a tad anxious and stressed. And with all of this, I have been neglecting spending time with God.
I have always been a somewhat-obsessive perfectionist. I like to make to do lists and plans and be organized. I have high expectations for myself in all aspects of my life, including my spiritual life. Even when it come to my personal relationship with God, I had particular expectations and requirements that had to be met in order for it to be considered a job well done. Every day, I needed to spend a certain amount of time in prayer, a certain amount of time in the Word, and a certain amount of time in silence, listening for God’s voice. When I had an exceptionally busy day, with a lot of things on my to do list, and I could not devote several hours to spending time with God, I would choose to spend non time with Him at all, because my amazing God deserves perfection, and if I can’t give Him that, than I won’t give Him anything. Now, THAT SOUNDS INSANE, I know, but it made total sense in my mind at the time. So, when I didn’t have ENOUGH time to spend with God, I would push it off to tomorrow when I had more time to devote to Him. Well, with the World Race drawing closer everyday, all my days seem busier and busier, and so I keep pushing my time with God back further and further. My thought was: if I cannot give God what He deserves, perfection, than I cannot give Him anything.
A few nights ago I was at my church and the worship band played the song “Only Wanna Sing” by Hillsong Young and Free. Amazing song, if you’ve never heard it, LOOK IT UP YOU WILL NOT REGRET IT (the acoustic version is my fav).
Anyways, while I have heard this song about 100 times before, the other night, these words really resonated with me for the first time, like I had never even heard them before:
“You don’t want perfection, just my soul’s attention.”
(Now, those of you who know me, you know that I am a BIG cryer. And believe me, when they sang those words THE FLOODGATES OPENED, let me tell ya). It was at this moment that I realized that I had been treating my great and glorious Father like He is a task on a to do list for me to check off.
I have not been treating Him like the Father that loved me so much that He sent His son to die for me; not like the Creator of the universe who knew me and loved me before I was born; not like the Friend that genuinely loves spending time with me.
He loves us so much that ALL He wants is our ATTENTION.
I don’t have to spend hours in silence to hear the voice of God, I can hear him through a song played at church, or the encouraging words of a friend. I don’t have to spend hours in prayer to talk to Him, I can turn off the radio on my way to the pharmacy to pick up my Malaria medication and just have a conversation with Him. He does not ask for perfection, just my attention.
I know that it sounds super cliché, but I felt a literal weight lift off of me. I hadn’t even realized it, but I had put so much pressure on myself to be perfect before God, that I had lost sight of who He is and who He says I am.
I do not have to spend ENOUGH time in prayer, or read ENOUGH of the Bible, because my Heavenly Father tells me that I AM ENOUGH for Him. He sees all of my sin and all of my shame, and shows me nothing but grace and love time and time again. I don’t have to clean myself up and get myself together before I can go to Him. I will never be PERFECT, and I never have to be, because the One who created me is PERFECT and ALWAYS will be.
