The Ugly Side of Me

I’ve been manipulating people for a while now. Sometimes I’m aware but the majority of the time I’m not. But most, if not all the time, I’m manipulating. 

Not just guys.

Not just friends.

Not just family.

Pretty much everyone. 

How do I do it?

Step one: put off the most pleasing and acceptable side of me judging on who im speaking to. This draws them in.

If it’s a guy I like to show humor, beauty, adventure, and my relationship with God (only the positive things though).

With friends I show humor, fun, depth, and adventure. And if I don’t get this from friends I end up not being their friend because I want my friends to see what I want them to see, and nothing else. 

With family or adults I show maturity, integrity, bravery, humor, and responsibility and independence. 

Step 2: Release your whole heart to them so that they will also release theirs to you. It’s not hard for me to let people in and I’ve been hurt my whole life by letting people in and then leaving. So I’ve become calloused in a way where I can give up my heart in order to snatch theirs. 

Step 3: Be the person they need to talk to in order to process. Be the person who knows enough about them that you’re the person they go to. Be the person who they go to when they need to have fun or laugh. Be whatever person they need you to be. 

And then you’ve got them.

They need you. 

Congratulations.

But I’ve never felt good after I’ve got someone. Why?

Because I don’t have a need to be needed. I want to be needed because if I turn my back on them, they’ll come searching for me because they WANT me. I want people to need me so that they’ll want me. 

Isn’t that ugly? 

What’s uglier is that I want to be needed and wanted by people more than anyone or anything else, including God. 

What’s darker than THAT is that I want to be needed and wanted but I’m basically looking at God in the eyes and saying “you sir, are not enough. I need more.” And walking away from him to the next person. 

But what’s beautiful in all this is that I am wanted. Every time I go through this manipulation process I turn around and he’s right there wanting to spend time with me, take me on another adventure, show me something amazing, or wrap me in his arms and just be with me. Luckily for me, he’s not going anywhere. Thank God for that. 

I’m in the process of trying to remove this nasty from me permanently. Yes, I can try and change my behavior, but honestly the root is deeper and in tired of working on behaviors because it’s just going to manifest in a different way. I need to dig to the root.  I need to accept and believe whole heartedly that God is enough and he wants me. I need to physically, mentally, and emotionally jump into the depth of Gods enoughness, leaving NO ROOM for anything or anyone else. 

Because guess what?

God IS enough.

It’s time for me to start believing it.