In the last few weeks God has really been showing me how little control I give him. I always say “take control of this” or “I trust that you’ll do that,” and I genuinely want him to have control of everything.
And then talk of the end of the race comes up along with all of the possibilities that comes with it.
I find myself in a vicious circle of thoughts on repeat: “I wonder where we are landing… If I know where we are landing and when then I can plan how I’ll get home…I could fly home or I could road trip home…or maybe I’ll stay wherever we land for a few days…or if we land in California maybe I’ll stay with Katie..or Troy..or Beth…..But what if I road trip home, who would go with me….how much would that cost….I have no job or money how am I supposed to even get home….maybe I should email my supporters….maybe I should ask my parents…maybe I should save my spending money for the last two months to buy a plane ticket home…but what if I road trip how much would that cost and how do I even get money….and when I get home what’s going to happen…who will I stay in contact with..I want to talk to everyone….and will I live at home or will I couch surf friends houses until I leave in September again….but maybe I won’t leave in September maybe I’ll leave in January (that’s a different blog post for a different time)……how will I even get to my friends houses or around when I don’t have a job….oh man I have student loans and cell phone bills and insurance and gas to pay for too….I’m 23 years old I really need to get my stuff together and not rely so much on my parents….but I also don’t think that’s the time yet either….I wonder what I’ll do after I get home the second time….I don’t really want to do anything….I just want to be a mom….I don’t even have a boyfriend…..am I even going to get married…..I really want to but that doesn’t make sense to happen right now….but I want to….but I don’t….what the heck am I even going to do when I get back!…..nothing makes sense.
And I go through this cycle of thinking several times a day, or at least every time talk of after the race conversation happens.
Last week after having these thoughts constantly running on repeat I laid down and listened to Jesus music and God kept telling me “You’re not giving these things up to me. You’re constantly worrying about it. If you really trusted that I’ve got it under control then you wouldn’t feel a need to think about it so much. You’d be able to enjoy your time in the present because you know everything will work out in it’s time. Let go and let me take over all the things. I haven’t failed you yet, so why are you so afraid. I’m way better at this life planning stuff anyways. ENJOY your present. I’ve redeemed your past and have control over your future so you can do just that. So stop putting unnecessary burden on yourself and accept this gift in full.”
Boom.
“Okay God, I see you. You can have it all, I’ll just follow your lead but you’ll have to remind me to do this multiple times a day. I’m in.”
One Day Later:
***The previous week I sent out a “cry for help” because I had no money and wanted to go to the One Direction concert in Bangkok, among other things, because I love 1D, but I would also get to see my friends at Thrive Rescue Home that I volunteered with the previous year. The cry for help came without response so I assumed God just didn’t want me to go and I had my friends buy their tickets without me.***
A few days before the concert I get a messages from my friend at Thrive asking if I was in Thailand.
“Yes I am, in Chiang Mai.”
“Well are you still wanting to go to the One Direction concert? Because I got tickets for two of the girls but I don’t want to go to the concert so if you want you can have a ticket for free if you take them!”
“Thank you so much! But I don’t even have enough money to get to Chiang Mai.”
“Well what if I paid for you to get here and back?”
“Deal!”
As soon as the conversation was over God pulled my mind aside for a minute:
“You see? When you give me control I do things you never imagined would happen. Not only do you get to go to the concert, but you’re going for free, you get to go to bangkok for free, you get to see Jeremy and Jenifer and their baby, and you get to hang out with the girls from the rescue home. This was me taking control of a situation. This is proof that I see your hearts desires and provide for my children. This shows that I pay attention to the details, you don’t need to do that. And this concert…this is NOTHING compared to the plans I have for the rest of your life. Plans for after the race, for you and your future husband and children, which you will have just be patient, and plans for years and years to come. Your life is going to be full of wonder and laughter. But you’ll miss the wonder and joy of what I’m giving you if you don’t give up control. This concert doesn’t even scratch the surface of how amazing and powerful I am. I love you, I see your hearts desires, I know you best. I want this role in your life. I want to dazzle and amaze you. Take a deep breath and let go because I’ve got it all in my hands.”
And that’s how God used One Direction to pry my hands open for good and let go of control.
And I should add that the whole weekend went so smoothly, every little detail, which says something when you’ve been on the race for so long and not many things ever go smoothly.
“I’m all yours I’ve got no control. No control. Powerless and I don’t care it’s obvious. I just can’t get enough of you. The pedals down my eyes are closed. No control.” –One Direction (No Control)
Sent from my iPhone
