Preschool is SUCH a different environment from 2nd grade. I was really hesitant at first and unsure about how God would use me in this phase of student teaching. One of the biggest things God is showing me right now is that I’m a preschooler.
Yesterday, as I was leading the class down the hallway, I had to say over and over to our line leader “You can’t lead if you’re always looking behind you.”
Pretty self-explanatory, Jacie. You can’t lead a class or school or anything if you’re constantly looking back at how you’ve messed up, embarrassed yourself, or did something really dumb. You just have to keep looking forward at your teacher (God) and follow wherever they are leading you. (PS. not saying I’m God. hahaha)
Every day there are kids who throw tantrums. They’re only 4-5 after all. They throw a fit if they don’t get along with another kid, if they try and talk when I’m talking and I get onto them, if they’re not following directions, and especially if heaven forbid, I tell them NO!
I throw tantrums when I am not getting along with my friends. And I throw these tantrums at God a lot of the times. I do most of the talking and rarely let God give his two cents, and then I get mad when I think he’s not speaking to me! Jacie, Homeboy can’t get a word in with me yapping all the time. (Yeah, I called God homeboy) I don’t do things the way God wants me to do them because I think my way is better, then I get upset when my way doesn’t work. And when God tells me no, oh baby, I let him know how upset I am. My stubborn self fights and fights until I finally have to give up.
Today I had outside recess duty and one of the kids comes up to me and tells me that another student needs me. I go over to the monkey bars and this poor girl climbed all the way to the top, where she wasn’t supposed to be, and then got stuck. I asked her to give me her hands and she started crying. I told her to just jump into my arms and I would catch her. She hesitated, cried some more, and then I said OKAY JUMP! and she jumped. I caught her.
I get myself in tough situations. I do things I know I shouldn’t do. I say things I know I shouldn’t say. I think things I know are false and hurtful to myself and to others. I get myself in trouble a lot and God has to come to help me back down. Even though he is perfectly capable of catching me when I jump, and even though his perspective is greater than mine, I still cry and shake and take a little too long to finally jump into his arms. He catches me every time. (PS. This only partly relates to me because I honestly had no clue how to get her down. And I wasn’t completely sure I would catch her. It was 50/50 chance. YOLO, am I right?)
Today one of my quieter boys was supposed to be picked up from school instead of riding a bus. He has to ride the bus unless his parent calls, and his parent never called. When he was told to go to the bus line he started crying. I asked him what was wrong and he just whimpered quietly. I turned around to talk to some other kids and then I feel his little hand grab onto mine. He squeezed it so tightly. I could tell he was afraid. Afraid he wouldn’t get home. Afraid his mom would be mad. Afraid he would get lost. Afraid of the unknown.
So often I get scared and freaked out. I try and deal with it on my own, silently. Then I just lose it and have to run and hold God’s hand and trust that he’s got my best interest in mind. He’s going to get me home. He’ll be there if I get lost. He knows what’s ahead and as long as I’m holding his hand I will get to where he wants me to be. I can trust him when I’m holding his hand.
I always lead a center, normally trying to practice abc’s and 123’s. Today I had a big tub of rice and little shells that had abc’s and 123’s on each one. I called 4 kids at a time to come and match the shells with the letters on a piece of paper. ALL day long kids kept coming up to me saying “Miss Zook, when is it my turn” “Mrs. Zook, I haven’t gone yet” “Mrs. Hook, what are you guys doing?” “That’s not fair, I didn’t get to go!” “gklhie0w843wf” <–chinese for “I want to do that!” (We have a chinese speaking kid in the class. Fun!) I said over and over again, it’s not your turn, it’s not your turn.
It’s hard for me to be in college and watching all these people in different countries playing with kids, sharing the gospel, praying for others, doing fun things, living their life. LIving the life I want to live, right now! So often I tell God “You’ve called me to something bigger. Something different than this. Why do I have to watch others live the life I want to live while i have to finish school?” Sounds a lot like me complaining that I can’t go to a center right when I want to. Sounds a lot like me complaining that my center isn’t good enough. God keeps reminding me, it’s not your turn. You enjoy where you are now. Learn where you are now, and in a little while I’ll call you over to this center.
These all sounds like negative ways I’m like a preschooler. Tantrums. Disobediance. Being whiney. Ungratefulness.
I’ll tell you the truth. These kids really get on my nerves sometimes. I hate repeating myself. I hate when they interrupt me. I hate that they never remember the instructions. I hate that they can’t walk in a staight line down the hallway. But no matter what they do. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH!
Numerous times a day I have kids come up to me, give me a warm and absolutely adorable smile, and say, I wub wu. And then give me the biggest hug and kiss on my cheek. No matter how annoyed I am by them, I will ALWAYS let them hug me. I will always want to hug them! I will always love them. And their tiny little faces. And thier tiny little hands. And their tiny little shoes… you get the picture. They’re so small.
I think God sees us this way too. I think maybe he does get annoyed by us! Who wouldn’t!? But no matter how annoyed he might be, he will never love us less. He will never give up on us. He will be there to catch us when we climb up too high. He will be there to hold our hands when we’re scared. He will give us directions. He will wait for us to stop talking before he speaks. He will make sure we get home. And he’ll always always ALWAYS accept a big hug and a kiss on a cheek followed by an “I wub wu”.
I’m a preschooler.
