It’s been a couple of days since returning from World Race training camp, and I’m still feeling SO pumped. I met 20 strangers who now feel like family. I slept in a tent, showered with a bucket of water, and used porta-potties for 10 days. Physically speaking it was the most uncomfortable 10 days, but it’s not even worth getting into detail because there was so much spiritual fixing that took place. During those 10 days, we sat through what felt like 1,000 sessions, but it was through those sessions that the Holy Spirit did work. One of the things they encouraged through the sessions was vulnerability in our blog posts. So ready for some vulnerability? Cause it’s gonna get real in this post.
“Born to be loved” was a phrase that the speakers repeated in their sessions, and honestly when I first heard those words I thought, “Ok, that’s cute.” So this is my story of what “born to be loved” means to me now that I’m back from training.
Let me explain why this is scary for me to write.
I’m insecure. There I said it. I put up this facade that makes it seem like I’m care-free and that I don’t need man’s approval, but deep inside I’m in constant worry of what people think of me as a person and especially (this is a hard one) how I look. I think I’ve dealt with insecurity most of my life and it became worse when I placed my value and security in someone that wasn’t made or meant to give it to me. In my younger life, I didn’t develop an identity in Christ and because of that, it was easy for me to put my whole identity in someone else that made me feel valued. Eventually, when God removed that person from my life I was back to that insecure girl left with the lie that I had no value.
What am I insecure about? Throughout the past couple years I have had issues with body image. Body image issues look different in a lot of people. In my case, I have anxiety about gaining weight, and I see myself heavier then everyone else does. There’s this voice of fear that tells me that if I‘m not a certain weight no one will find me attractive, and I won’t be as pretty. If I’m not pretty enough to be found attractive then who is gonna make me feel valued?
The anxiety and fear in the last month were so intense that I finally broke down to both my parents. I knew I had to tell them when I caught myself having anxiety over not being able to have a consistent workout routine, or have control over what I eat while being on the World Race. I realized how shallow my thoughts were becoming so I had to speak up. I told them wholeheartedly how I felt about myself and how unhealthy my mental state was about my body. Did I mention this was just 4 days before training camp? Perfect timing amiright?
Before I left for training my awesome dad typed up some verses for me to memorize and dwell on (the verses are below for anyone who struggles with the same issues). I’m currently being held accountable to say these verses to him and to myself when the lies creep into my head. My dad always says that only way we can fight lies from the Enemy is with Truth and I believe in that 100% and I encourage you to practice memorizing Scripture on subjects that you struggle with. Realizing issues and confessing that I had them was definitely freeing, but it takes time to stop believing something that you’ve always thought were true in your mind. So off to training camp I went with these verses in hand trying my best to shake off the voices that were already comparing myself to girls I hadn’t even met yet.
I get to Georgia and within the first 3 or 4 days, the Holy Spirit just wrecked me. Before even touching on the subject of missions and what to expect on the Race, we were encouraged to take a big step back and look at the things in our lives that would hinder our growth with the Holy Spirit. I dug deep and I let God reveal that my inability to see my value and the love God has for me was rooted in not forgiving myself and others from my past. He revealed that my unforgiving spirit was creating prideful thoughts of having to prove I was worthy of being loved by the people who rejected me, it created a constant mindset of having to be attractive and skinny enough to keep the people in my life from rejecting me, and it also created a false idea that I wasn’t doing enough in my life to be loved by God.
Once God was finished revealing my spirit of unforgiveness, I went to one of my awesome coaches to walk me through what just seemed too hard to do alone. My flesh was fighting so hard to forgive in that moment, but she hugged me until I was ready. It was in that moment where I understood the words “born to be loved“. God doesn’t care whether I’m a size 2 or a size 16. God isn’t comparing my beauty to 3 different girls that He’s thinking about using for His Kingdom. God isn’t defining me from my past. I was born to be loved by my Father and to love Him in return, and just with that thought, the voices of the Enemy start to fade because there’s no more pressure to be enough for anyone. My value is far above rubies in His eyes and I am more than enough for Him.
The last day of training camp a girl I didn’t have too much time to get to know personally came up to me and said, “Hey I just wanted to let you know that this week you really stood out to me, and I just wanted to give you this bracelet that was given to me at my training camp.”
Are you crying? Cause stop and look down below and see what the bracelet says.
AGAPE
DO YOU KNOW THE DEFINITION OF AGAPE????? Take a look.
God is the coolest, guys. I’m back from training camp a lot less exhausted from trying to prove to people that I’m worth loving because I was born to be loved by the highest form of love. Jesus. I don’t expect the lies to not return, but I will continue to fight and have authority over the Enemy with Truth and this new understanding of love.
Man, am I ready to tell people that they’re born to be loved.
