The first post I wrote about training camp focused on my discovered freedom to be myself. Overall, this is a lesson I have been learning since high school, but until training camp, I thought it had been resolved in the past. The new environment showed me that I was not completely healed of my insecurities and needed more help and direction.
Every season of life brings new situations and challenges, which require us to reevaluate who we are. I had to rediscover the freedom to be myself quite a bit in life, but one thing made the lesson significant at training camp. I learned that resolution would only come from the right solution: seeking that freedom in Christ specifically.
This post will further unpack that idea by showing my changed paradigm of leadership and what God taught me in that area.
As I mentioned in my last blog, I walked into camp confident. Originally, I had part of this confidence in the idea of leadership, because I figured this is what the AIM leaders would be looking for during the week.
Servant leadership is something I want to do in life and would love to be called to after the race. Areas of youth ministry and student development have particularly stuck out to me through experiences leading YoungLife and being an RA and AAC (assistant Residence Hall Director). My college has a similar leadership selection process, which I was a part of all four years, in applying for these positions, evaluating applicants, and facilitating group exercises.
I thought I knew the game they were playing at training camp and what they wanted to see, so I was ready to step up to the plate and show whatever was needed. I wanted to step up with full energy and serve in ways that would stretch myself to show them what I was capable of and had been doing already.
But God had a different plan. While I was feeling strange and unlike myself in the new environment, I did not have the energy to be the person I wanted of myself. I felt less called to speak and act and more called to listen and observe.
I began to wonder if this reflected who I really was, but regardless, I had to accept whatever person came out to be, even if it was different in the ideals of what I wanted. Through this process of humility, I gave up the idea of who I thought I was and told God I was game for whatever he wanted of me. As always, I further challenged him: Bring it on, Lord!
Through high school and college, I always made an effort to show my potential in new experiences, but I began to question this. Was I consistently showing myself through new opportunities or addressing insecurities that had built up overtime? Was I representing my true self or only the person I wanted others to see?
But God showed me that was not something I needed to over think. In the meantime I was called to listen to him and be whoever he wanted me to be. Instead of trying to accomplish what I thought was needed, he offered me something better: the calling to be myself. At the time I did not feel like myself at all, but I found freedom in recognizing that I was where God wanted me at the time. I knew he would eventually reveal a healthy role for me, one where I was called to serve in ways I would not expect.
I have been fortunate to be in positions of leadership in the past, but in this transition to a new season of life, I felt as if God were speaking something else to me: He wanted me to see examples of leaders who are solidly grounded in him, so I could spend time learning from them. He placed Alexandra, Ben, Ryan, and the other AIM leaders along my path for me to observe and learn from this year. Ironically, another name he mentioned to me was Rich, one of my squadmates who was later chosen to lead my team.
During the week of camp, I relearned that leadership is a seasonal thing in our lives and we are always called to different roles on our journey. But each new calling will be an adventure if we follow Jesus and keep our eyes on the bigger picture. Leadership is not just about a position or title.
After gaining peace over the whole situation, I ended up getting chosen to lead in a supporting role. Ironically, it was the position I was least comfortable with. This year, I will be a treasurer and take care of the financial matters for our team with the money we have collectively raised. God certainly has a sense of humor because I am not very good with budgeting and do not know a lot about money or finances.
This reaffirmed to me that God has a crazy plan for adventure, and he does not always call the qualified to lead. Sometimes, he will qualify the called instead.
As I mentioned in the previous blog, I had no problem being myself at the end of the week, but the idea of who I was took on a whole new meaning. I was able to engage, pursue, and love again, but the role of finding my personal identity had become directly connected with my relationship with Jesus. Even though I was raised in a Christian family and walked with the Lord since high school, that connection had been almost non-existent.
I am excited to see what position he has for me in the adventure he has planned for both the World Race and my life. Whether it will be in leadership or not, I now know where my identity stands.
We are all called to lead in little ways that only he can show us. I am already starting to see ways I can serve, lead, and love on my teammates in ways they individually need. I know God will keep showing me more when I listen to him.
With that, I keep offering him the same challenge: Bring it on.
