TC: Freedom to Be Myself

Who would have thought that a week in the north Georgia woods would bring about so many challenges and opportunities?
 
In a nutshell, World Race training camp is a long week of cultural and ministry skills training. With great intention and love, the AIM staff and volunteers prepare us for whatever we might face by breaking us down and shrinking our world. Our baggage is stripped away so we can learn how to pour into others without taking from them. Most importantly, we are put in a position to learn who we are so we can see who God intends us to be.
 
A lot happened for me during this week, but for this blog post, I would like to share my personal experience of learning the freedom to be myself.
 
In all honesty, I walked into camp confident, thinking I was ready and understood what would go on. I love being outdoors, camping, and being around other people, so I thought it would be a walk in the park.
 
Looking back at my journal from the beginning of the week, I wrote this: “Lord, I feel competent and ready for whatever comes my way. But I know you will humble me in some way and I am very excited to see how. Bring it on, Lord!”
 
I have been praying dangerously for the past few years, and without fail it has brought new challenges. God loves to throw curveballs our direction to grow and mature us, especially if we ask him to, and he is more than happy to humble us through the little things.
 
For me at camp, he started with the weather. He provided the intense combination of full humidity and a high 90s heat wave that was a huge leap from the 50-60 degree Junuary I was used to in the Pacific Northwest. Through this adjustment, I was completely sapped of energy and had to depend on God more to overcome the new environment.
 
I constantly did not feel like myself in this humbled state: wiped out, borderline irritable, and not able to pursue or engage with people as much as I normally like to. This completely threw me for a loop and showed me that I cared too much about my image and needed the Lord’s help to get over that. In hard circumstances, I needed to find the freedom to be myself, even if that meant accepting who I was becoming in the miserable climate.
 
One night during worship, I felt like I had little to offer God and struggled with wanting to give more of myself at camp. Alexandra, one of our squad leaders, came up and asked if she could speak over me. She then told me two things: (1) God wanted me to know how proud he was of me for how much I honestly wanted to please him through what I was facing, and (2) the worship leader was singing lyrics that were especially written for me. A lot of the songs were new for me, with lyrics telling powerful stories of a loving God seeking after us, but the specific song at the time was about him breaking chains in our life.
 
At that point, I realized that self-image had been a chain holding me back. I tend to care too much about what other people think and that affects my emotions and how I live. What I truly wanted was the freedom to overcome, and in that moment I learned that Jesus felt my pain and wants to break the chains in my life if I trust him to do so.
 
This chain of self-image and perfection is something I have been aware of for a while, but training camp reminded me of it and showed the urgency to break it. I had not realized how much my heart was crying out for freedom in this area, but I knew I needed a fresh start. That week gave it to me.

Then Alexandra asked if I had ever danced during worship. Heck no, I hadn’t, and didn’t plan on it either. She encouraged me to think about it and without even knowing my situation, ended by giving some inspiring and unconventional advice: “God doesn’t care if you make an ass out of yourself, he just wants you to have the freedom to be you and stop caring what others think.” Wow, point taken.
 
During the week, the AIM leaders constantly spoke out over our lives, and a common theme from all of them was the calling for me to be myself and not somebody else. Even without telling them any of this, they all prayed for it and encouraged it in me. This reaffirmed that God has a great plan for me and wanted me to be free.
 
I can’t say I danced at the time, because I was both nervous and stubborn, but by the end of the week I warmed up to not caring what others thought:
 
I broke down and cried hardcore among hundreds of people, prayed out loud, and even danced for joy a few times, in ways only an awkward 6’5” boy can. I was continually reminded of how to be my quirky self (i.e. wear a yellow mullet wig) and find ways to pursue relationships that were natural to me.
 
And eventually I got used to the heat, as much as I could at least. Once the weather felt more comfortable, I had no problem being myself. But I discovered that being myself took on new meaning from what I knew before. I was myself again but had the newfound freedom to live as I was created. Whatever new situation comes my way, I will be ready for. Bring on the World Race!
 
I do still struggle from the emotional validation from the image I put out and worth from how others receive it. However, the chain of self-image has been broken and I will not let it reattach itself. Jesus will show me who I am called to be, not any of my insecurities that have built up over time.
 

 
I know I am not alone on this. If anyone reading this cares too much about what other people think, I would love to encourage you that Jesus wants to help break that chain and show you freedom. You just have to trust him and be willing to learn that lesson through whatever circumstance he has engineered for you.
 
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