I am struggling to write on this blog; to share my life with you.
The most honest reason ‘why’ I can give you is this: I want you to see me in a good light. I want you to think I am smart. I want to be called just because I was thought about. I want to be known as beautiful, and captivating, and inspiring. But the truth is [with bitterness and judgment aside] I don’t get a lot of compliments about who I am as a person; but rather regarding what I do well.
I get daily compliments about my cooking, about my softball skills on the field [win or loose] and about taking time to give a friend a ride or serve at a non-profit function. These are all great things, and each compliment is deeply appreciated, but it leaves me wondering, as I focus on the task affirmed, who am I? Who am I outside of softball, outside of cooking and serving and being the secure ride… who am I?
I begin to doubt. Am I beautiful? Am I courageous? Do I inspire anybody? Am I wanted enough to be called or am I called just because I’m needed?
See, I’ve struggled with performance affirmation in the past. Everything I was known for surrounded what I was good at doing. It surrounded sports and hobbies, tangible talents and extra curricular clubs. I identified with my achievements instead of my heart. I thought as long as I continue to perform well I would be recognized, affirmed and in turn, loved.
I begin to doubt. Am I loved? What if I drop the ball or burn the cake? What if I’m not free to serve or my car suddenly breaks? Am I loved? Is being me still enough?
What I’m trying to say is I wish we saw more in each other than just our talent, and if we do then are we saying so? Are we introducing ourselves and our friends by our character or by our job titles and roles at home? This is Paul, a sales rep for the top… or have you met Iris, she works in marketing… and Fred, standing by the window, is a dad and coach.
Without even realizing it we are affirming that our positions, talents and works are more important than our character, heart and loyalty.
What if we called out and introduced each other by how well we love one another? This is Ellie, the most patient woman I know… I can’t wait for you to meet Jamie, who’s humility inspires me to… and Ben, well, I’ve never met a more selfless man.
So let me just say it: performance does not equal worth. I know it because God; our great, mighty, and patient God, is continually showing me. For years he has and he’ll never stop. But I still need help remembering that who I am is more important than what I do in my daily journey. And I want your help. Please tell me what you see in me aside from what I do.
In turn, I will do the same for you!
