"But the one who endures to the end will be saved." – Matthew 24:13
Running. It seems like the only thing that I’ve been doing lately; both literally and metaphorically. How much further can I go? Sooner or later I’m going to have to face it. I don’t want to face it though. I’d rather die than face my consequences.
Which is probably what led me to the top of this water bridge.
It looks like a good 100 foot drop. That should kill me right? The last thing I want is to survive and have to be on a constant 24/7 suicide watch. There is another train bridge that’s at least 150 feet higher that’s next to me.
I need to make sure that I do this right.
Yup. The train bridge will definitely kill me. Huh, it’s sunset. This used to be my favorite place to be and this is my favorite part of the day.
I love that I’m going to die here.
Any last thoughts that I should say? There’s no point though. No one is going to hear them.
Goodbye, I guess.
The sensation of falling is exhilarating. Wow. I can definitely feel that adrenaline. It’s like slow motion and falling quickly at the same time. The ground’s getting closer. I see a giant sharp rock that will easily break me.
Shit. This is going to hurt. Better close my eyes.
The sensation of exhilaration is gone. I feel the ground on my back instead of my front. That’s weird. Maybe I flipped over. Am I still alive? I don’t feel any pain.
The adrenaline must still be pumping.
I’m not even around the scary sharp rocks where I thought I was going to land. I’m back on the path. Wow. I don’t even have a scratch on myself?
What the hell is going on?
Who is that walking towards me? He has flowing white robes on. Sandals. Is this Jesus? This is what my mind has always imagined Him as.
Maybe my mind is playing tricks on me.
“Who are you?” I said. I’m a little freaked out by this point. Seeing this Jesus mime after killing myself isn’t really an everyday thing.
Maybe this guy will kill me.
“You know who I am. I have a question for you now.” If this is Jesus, I’m going to get scolded pretty badly. “How did you survive?”
How does He know!? Oh duh. He’s definitely Jesus. He knows everything.
“My guess is that you interfered.” I almost accused Him. I was ready to die. He should know that! I tried two other times before that! I’m not scared!
“Yes, as I did the other two times. You are not going to die. I am going to keep saving you. I love you. Please, I don’t want you to be in pain anymore. I just want you.”
Wow. This Guy is real. Dang tear ducts are acting up again. There’s nothing better that I want than to go on a walk with Him.
I take His hand and I wake up.
The night of my second suicide attempt, God gave me this vision. I was 17. It was so real that I believed it really happened. I mean, the bridge was going to be my 3rd foolproof plan to end my life. Once I saw it I stopped. God showed me that my life had purpose. My actions of killing myself would not glorify God whatsoever. Since then, I straightened out my life. I quit stealing, coning, smoking, partying, and every other thing. Yes, I failed. But I still got up and did better than before. All for God.
I never did this for a single person. I did this for God.
Some of you might be wondering why I haven't posted a blog earlier. The truth is, I don't know what to say. I still don't. I'm so entranced and overwhelmed by Kosovo in good ways. I'm still not ready to vocalize how everything has been. Just know that I'm safe, healthy, happy, and full of Holy Spirit!
I love you guys so much. Thank you insanely for your support.
