I had an awesome day yesterday… I went off on my team mates infront of everybody..
I put it out there..
My behavior sometimes breeds behavior in others that i do not like… But i need to own my own garbage..
I am 35 years old, most of my team mates are 10 years my junior, Ive had more time for introspection, so i know myself better.. God has revealed me to myself..
I tried to communicate with my group previously as to if there was a problem; To no avail.. behaviors continued, things were spiraling out of control, i was praying as to how to deal with the situation and getting no response.. frustrating to say the least.. So, i took things into my own hands… =
And got a response, peeople talked about what the problem was, well, actually they had no choice, i kinda threw it out there in the middle of the entire group of 30… If you got a problem with me, then tell me! (love ya Seth)
After the outburst our team finally had the long overdue meeting and FINALLY people were real! Point being, if you have a problem with somebody just tell them, im not a mind reader and niether is anyone else.. My commitment is to be honest with myself first and foremost and then others… Im not going to pretend that there is no self deception, the human heart is decietful above all things.. Sometimes God has to shine his light on our belief systems..
In talking about whats going on, i saw a truth.. Maybe the holy spirit told me im not sure, but I realized that sometimes the way i come off and treat others has a direct effect on the way they percieve me and act towards me.. Infact, I need to do some serious repentance with God… I have treated people terribly for years because of the hurt in my heart… Theres no excuse! I need to forgive, i want to be forgiven.. I need to fogive myself.. I want to enjoy life..
I want my life to be spent freeing others not binding them! I believe this is what God wants for my life.. He has placed me on this adventure traversing the world, with the perfect people.. His people, his children… His army.. I need to respect this.. and continue to press into him, seeking his face.. and being obedient.. Submission is not something that comes easy to me but it something that i desire with all i am..
I could have handled this situation differently, this is part of the growth process in leadership training process that God has each of us going through, so even though i delivered the message i needed to deliver, i didnt deliver it to the right address..
If you are praying for me, pray that God will help me to break free of the lies that i have believed for so long, and that i dont go postal anymore.. Pray that the Lord will truly show me that i can trust another human with all my heart..
amen
