All my life I’ve been a leader. I don’t think I’ve ever been turned down when applying for some kind of leadership position, and many times I’ve been asked to lead. I didn’t realize how much of my self-worth was found in being a leader until I wasn’t one.
When I look back on the first half of my World Race experience, I think about myself writing woeful entries in my diary about how I wasn’t team leader. Team leaders were announced at our training camp back in May of 2009, and I wasn’t one of them. I felt slightly disappointed at the time, but when the race began I realized that it was a bigger deal to me than it should be.
I couldn’t get over the fact that I wasn’t in a leadership position. I felt worthless. I struggled to believe that I had any gifts or talents at all. I had trouble following my own team leader, as I held feelings of resentment and jealousy against her. I didn’t know who I was – I felt purposeless.
God spoke to me, over and over again, about how this year was to teach me how to follow. Since I’ve always led I never really learned how to follow. And so, with each passing day of the race, I felt myself slowly dying to my need to lead. It hurt. A lot. I had to swallow my pride time and time again. It was exhausting – I always felt like I was failing.
And then, one day I got it. I’m not really sure when it happened, or how, but one day I just knew. I knew I was a leader – despite any titles or positions given or not given to me. God made me a leader, and I couldn’t deny it. This revelation was freeing to me, and I found it easier to get along and follow my team leader. I was ready to spend the rest of the race as a follower, and a good one at that.
At the beginning of January I started to feel that Mel would be coming to an end of her season as team leader. We had a squad debrief planned at the end of the month, and I figured that if my feelings were correct she would be stepping down from leadership at that time. And so, for all of January I prayed that she would be prepared to end her season as leader. I had an idea of who I thought would be our new team leader, and so I prayed for that person as well. Sometimes I wondered if there was a chance I could be the new team leader, but then I reminded myself that this year was to teach me how to follow.
In the middle of January I heard God ask me to fast from food and drink (with the exception of water) for a few days. I heard him say this fast would be hard. And it was. My spirit and body suffered in a way I’ve never experienced before. I fasted to grow closer to God, but instead I felt like He had left me. I strongly questioned what the point of fasting was and why I was doing it. I only heard God speak to me one time during my fast, and I actually forgot about it until weeks later. This is what he said: “Just as Jesus fasted and and then began his powerful ministry, so will you fast and then begin your powerful ministry.”
On Monday, January 25 I had a dream that I became team leader. “When I woke up I felt so strongly that this would come true,” I wrote in my diary that day. I almost didn’t write it because I didn’t want to give myself any false hope.
The last few days of January were our squad debrief. During this time I felt God telling me to confess to Mel. I approached her and apologized for being a bad follower the first half of the race. I apologized for disrespecting her and making things more difficult. We talked through things, and I realized that my attitude had much more of a negative impact on our team than I was aware of. After that I spent the rest of debrief really grieving my choices from the first half of the race. I was deeply sad that I had misused my influence for bad rather than good.
Debrief came and went, and no leader changes happened. I had been wrong.
On the first day of February I was sitting with most of my team at a coffee shop in Nairobi. We were leaving on an overnight bus ride later that evening. Mel’s cell phone rang, and my teammate Emily answered. She handed it to me, “It’s Dan.” Dan is the leader of our squad. “He wants to talk to me?” I asked, confused. “Yeah.” Dan asked me to walk back to our hostel because he wanted to talk to me.
True to World Race rules, Emily walked with me so I wouldn’t be alone. “What do you think he wants?” she asked. “I dunno – maybe the leftover water bottles he asked me to get?” I knew that wasn’t really it. “Do you think he’s going to ask you to be team leader?” Honestly, I didn’t know. But at this point I thought it was more possible than not.
We arrived at our hostel, where Dan and our other squad leader, Brandy, pulled me aside into a bedroom. At this point I knew. Brandy started talking, “Mel has recently come to the decision that her season as leader has come to an end.” As soon as Brandy said the word “season” tears began to stream down my face. Because that is the word I had been using when praying for Mel the month before. And it meant that my feelings of her leadership coming to an end weren’t my own thoughts – they were from God. He had been speaking to me about this specific moment for an entire month.
So, Dan and Brandy asked me to be the new team leader. I said yes.
It’s been a few weeks already, but the whole situation is still entirely bizarre to me. God is a beautiful redeemer. He has given me a second chance to use my influence – and this time for good. I can clearly see him watching me during the first half of the race – when I was struggling and downcast about not being leader – I see him rooting for me to get over myself, because he was so excited to give me what he had in store.
God has granted me with an incredible team to lead. Initially I was worried about leading because I assumed my teammates would have issues with authority like I did, but thankfully they are way beyond me in that area. They fully support me and encourage me way beyond what I deserve. I’m absolutely humbled and honored to finish this year strong with Melanie, Emily, Michelle, Anna, Adam and Geoff. You guys are seriously the best.
One more thing…I mentioned earlier that God wanted to use this year to teach me how to follow. Well, whenever I start to worry about how I’m doing as a leader, I always hear God whisper to me, “Just follow me. That’s all you need to worry about. Focus on following, not on leading. Everything else will fall into place after that.”
Finally, I’ve allowed God to use me right where he wants me. I’ll admit it’s hard, but it’s also absolutely incredible.
