Break my heart a thousand times over: Part 2
Just like any broken heart it didn’t heal over night. I unfortunately brought the pain to the Philippines and without knowing it it greatly affected my ministry. (Quick recap. I didn’t like a guy. My heart broke because he doesn’t believe in Jesus)
I didn’t realize it until sitting down with Emily that I was still broken. I naturally love people with all my heart. I naturally have a passion for oppression, poverty, and children, but why was I so apathetic this month. Where was the passion? Why didn’t I have deep relationships with the Filipinos? Then something in my brain clicked…I subconsciously put a wall up to guard my heart and I wasn’t letting people in. I was so hurt from Byron that I wasn’t letting myself care. It was easier to be closed off and not feel at all because I knew I wouldn’t be hurt again.
Emily told me how she had gotten close with a Filipino family (not the family in the pictures) and she loved them almost like her own family. I wanted that. I wanted to feel again. I wanted to anguish for people again.
After a waterfall of tears I told her I would rather have my heart be broken a thousand times over than go another day not deeply caring for the people. My heart may break over and over each month, but it’s worth it. If I gain a life long friend, make an eternal impact, and further the kingdom of God it’s worth it. God here I am, BREAK my heart. I’m tired of being selfish and guarded. Free me to love like you love. I want to love them like Jesus.
As the month went on God did just that. I built some of the best relationships and shared my faith with a passion that I didn’t know I could feel again. Once again, I balled like a baby when we said goodbye.The night before we left I told all the children at the Children’s home (orphanage) goodbye. I made sure to tell the little boys in my VBS class goodbye and give them a hug.
One of the boys (we’ll call him Sam b/c we’re not suppose to put real kids’ names at the children’s home) quickly left the room and I called to him to give me a hug, but he kept walking…then he came back and asked me “Will you ever come back? Why can’t you stay? Will you miss us?” I told Sam I couldn’t promise anything, but I would love to. Talk about a dagger in the heart… he left without a hug. Then he came back again and gave me a big hug before heading off to bed.
It was hard for me to leave them, but how much harder is it for them? How many times have these children been abandoned? The only stability they have is God. People they love leave them and now we were leaving them. This is another reason I was so guarded at the beginning of the month. I know that it’s better for us to invest in them as much as we can while we are there even though we leave than to not get to know them at all. I keep thinking the damage we cause everytime we leave. God’s really having to help me in this area.
We’re in Cambodia now and it’s a new month. We’ll see how God breaks my heart in Phnom Penh.
