Every day for the past month I have been drowned by a sea of different emotions and feelings. I can be happy, sad, overwhelmed, excited, inadequate, and joyful all in a day. This is totally normal for a future World Racer, right!?
A few weeks ago I was asked the question by an alumni racer (Teresa), “What are you most nervous about?” I answered the question as transparent and vulnerable as I could. You see I am not nervous about getting on a plane, getting a disease, being in a jungle where the most dangerous creatures may roam, or even not having a porcelain toilet to put my tush on when I need to use the bathroom. I am most nervous about missing out on my friendships, relationships, and family milestones. I am wrecked at this thought.
I explained to my new friend, Teresa. I am nervous about leaving the country with my friends and family thinking that they can’t contact me just because I may not have internet at the exact moment they need me. I am afraid that I will loose those relationships that God has placed in my path that I have worked so hard to restore or build. I am worried I will miss milestones in friends lives, such as, getting an amazing job, getting a boyfriend, and getting engaged. I am wrecked at the thought of missing out on exciting adventures my parents go on. The thought about being an Aunt in the near future kills me, and to think that I might not be there for the birth. And missing out on the experience of watching my brother get married to his girlfriend of 5 years.
As my sweet friend listened to me, she simply said, “all that you are feeling is normal.” I am pretty positive that I took a sigh of relief. Not only was this music to my ears, but knowing that I am not alone in these feelings makes me feel loved. Teresa then went on to explain that this is what sacrifice looks like. Giving up the things you love is what God has called you to do. I was quickly reminded about a passage in Ruth. “Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God.” (Ruth 1:16) Sacrifice, following God, no matter what the cost or out come may be.
For the next week I dwelled on the passage in Luke 1 where an angel comes to Mary and tells her she is pregnant with Christ Jesus. Mary does not question a thing, but says this ” I am the Lord’s servant. May it be to me as you have said.” All I can say is what faith this woman of God had to trust him in such a scary and uncertain moment in her life. Mary and Ruth both were willing to sacrifice their lives for God and His people.
Last week I was at a worship service with one of my best friends. In this service the pastor ask us to turn around and kneel on our chairs. In my four years of following Christ, I have never done this. With all of the above emotions going on in my mind and soul, as soon as I did this I felt God says “I have got you.” In that humbling moment of realizing that I am nothing compared to God’s Greatness, I wept. I wept because I knew that I was trying to succumb and fix my feelings and emotions about the race by myself. My prideful self was wrecked by realizing that giving God EVERYTHING in my life is what He has been calling me to do. That night I surrendered more of myself to God. My school, my financial situation, my future work situation, my relationships, my world race, and my pride. I am NOTHING with out God.
This week I was wrecked again by God’s amazing power. I was reading in a devotional that had a great prayer saying ” God, show me who you are. And show me who I am because of you.” I quickly realized that I am not brave, courageous, beautiful, joyful, fearless, compassionate, nor adventurous. BUT I am these things because of God. “She is an incarnation of the beauty of God (Captivating)” See we are reflected in the image of God, which means that we have God’s characteristics in us, His DNA, we literally have Jesus’ blood in our veins. How glorious is that!? I am absolutely nothing with out God, but with God, I am brave, I am beautiful, I am fearless, I am compassionate, I am joyful, I am capable, I am adventurous, and I am courageous.
This month I was wrecked, so that I could see who I am because of God.
Thank you for letting me be vulnerable with you all! I love you so much for your support and prayers!
In It For Good With Him,
Hope
