Writing a blog shouldn’t be this hard!…When I first signed up for the World Race, I thought, “COOL! We get to write blogs!” I journal A LOT at home, that is how I process but writing a blog on the Internet for almost anyone to read, is HARD.
Most of my blogs have been mostly about what the Lord is walking me through and a little bit about the ministries that I have been working with. I am sure most of you reading my blogs want to hear about the kids I get to cuddle, how teaching English is going, or how hard I have been working at a construction site. While all those things are great, the Father gave me a revelation. That He is more concerned with the posture of my heart than ministry.
I was up late one night laughing, and talking to the Father. A thought came to my mind, “what if the World Race wasn’t just about a mission trip? What if it was more about being stripped of who I thought I was, and being replaced with a more beautiful identity in the Lord? What if, AIMs main focus on this Race is more about our relationship with the Lord and understanding more of our Kingdom Calling?” I realized this month 4 (Malaysia), and the Lord keeps reminding me of this, four months later in Swaziland.
It seemed kind of like a trick. I signed up for the World Race expecting to change people, when all the while, the Lord knew the one needing changing the most was me and my ugly heart. I came on this Race wanting my relationship with the Lord to grow deeper and more intimate, and shoot dang, He is doing just that. I am growing and learning so much about myself, and my Heavenly Father. The coolest thing is, in the midst of that I am doing ministry!
People, this has been one of the HARDEST 8 months (going on 11) of my life, hell, the moment I signed up for the Race life got hard and my faith was tested. I have yelled at the Lord, told Him all the things I am angry about, I have wrote out all the things I think that He is not to me, I have questioned the heck out of His character, I have doubted the Lord, I have worshiped the Lord, cried to Him in my pain and in joy, I have laughed with the Father and I have gazed at His all encompassing beauty in these past 8 months.
More than anything this month, the Lord is showing me so graciously that He wants to be my Healer. He wants to take away my old habits, replace them with Holy, and Godly habits. Has the Lord called me to spread the Gospel and show love to people through out the Nations like it states in Matthew? Of Course, but I am learning that the Lord is much more concerned about my heart than me actually doing work. The Father wants a more intimate relationship with me, His Daughter.
All my expectations about the World Race have been shattered but the Lord is doing something FAR greater with my life than I could have ever dreamed of. My squad mates and I were sitting on the front porch in Swaziland watching the sunset (which we do almost every night), asking each other questions to help us process all the things we have been through in months. A question that came up was, “knowing what you know now about the World Race, would you do it all over again?” The response was unanimous, “Yes!” I think in the depth of our souls, we wanted change, we wanted to be broken before the Father, and we wanted our identity to be restored in Him. We wanted our lives to be radically changed, while in the midst of serving the Lord and His people. The Lord took me from my comfortable, to make me uncomfortable and to see that He is enough for me, no matter how low the valley might be or how high the mountain top.
This is my journey and what I believe to be the next three months of my Race, discovering how the Father views me, and that He wants to heal my heart. My God is a healer, and He is the best fixer of hearts that I know.
