At the beginning of this month, we spent five days in Quito for debrief. Most of the time, debriefs are a relaxing time to get rest and rejuvenated. They also allow us time as racers to reflect back on previous months and what we can work on in future months. Our Quito debrief brought a lot of insight into an area in my life I didn’t even know I was struggling with. I have been living in survival mode for the past couple years of my life. One can classify survival mode as getting through a particular bad situation. You learn how fight through the bad constantly on the look out for something else to make the bad situation even worse. Survival mode can cause you to be on edge, worried, or have anxiety. You do everthing in your power to make sure you take care of your self. Until a couple of weeks ago, I never saw survival mode as bad. It was a means to protect myself. But using all your energy to survive, sounds a lot more like fighting a battle. And I have been fighting this battle for a very long time.
It has not been an easy road with my team. We have definitely had our ups and downs. But that’s to be expected right? Throw seven girls together from different parts of the country, with different mindsets and different personalities, conflict is bound to arise. It’s no secret I dislike conflict. It makes me cringe and at chance I try to hide from it. That has been impossible on the race. It is hard to hide from conflict when you live with your teammates 24/7 and you have to take at least one person with you to get time away. So there’s never really alone time to escape the conflict. Instead, I took up survivor mode. I walked on tiptoes around the drama. I was constantly on edge and looking for something to go wrong. I was doing everything to make sure I get through this, that I survive this conflict. And I couldn’t figure out why I was so exhausted all the time. It was because I was fighting an invisible battle that didn’t need to be fought.
At debrief as my team and I were talking about this, I realized that my survival mode did not just kick in on the race, I have been stuck in it for two years. I struggled through a failed marriage, I struggled through my job, and I struggled with myself. Through each of those, I was in survivor mode. I would not acknowledge problems, at bay I would tend to sweep them under imaginary rugs and hide them with a smile on my face. I fought so hard to stay away from conflict in my marriage and in my job and at life. I would reason with myself and say just make it through this bad day, tomorrow will be better. I would constantly be on edge scared to rock the boat or cause problems, trying to make everyone happy, but in the midst of trying to survive I was dying on the inside.
I have learned that I am not a survivor. I don’t want to fight my way through life. There will be good days along with bad days. There will always be conflict in my life and I don’t merely want to get through it. I want to conquer it. God placed me on this team because he knew I needed conflict to bring out the fear of conflict in me. God puts us in the fire to reveal to us something while in the fire. And the only thing burned off in the fire is the fear the enemy put on you. Life is so much more than surviving day to day, getting through the messyness of life
Life is not about learning how to survive, it is about learning how to THRIVE. I am not a survivor, I am a thriver.
