It has been awhile since I have written a blog, that’s because God has been teaching me a lot about myself and about identity lately. It may take a few blogs to get all my thoughts out, but here goes the first one.
Why did I really leave to go on the race? Of course, I love missions and want to see people come to know Christ. Yes, I wanted to travel and see the world. But what I have not wanted to admit is that I came on the race because I lost who I was and I wanted to find that girl again.
I grew up in a small town all of my life. I loved the simplicity of it all. I love driving down the road and seeing pastures for miles. I love living a walk away from my family. I love Friday night football games and waking up Saturday to head to the lake. I have a lot of pride in my little town of Pendleton. I also love that everybody knows everybody. I grew up complacent in being a small town southern girl. My reputation growing up as Holly Swaney was pretty predictable. I went to youth group. I made pretty good grades. I played volleyball and ran track. And now, the children’s minister at Church. The only problem I placed my identity in my reputation. I was so worried about what other people thought of me or how people saw me that it consumed me. I placed my identity in my good girl reputation. I placed my identity in my small town. I placed my identity in my position at church. I placed my identity in my name. My identity was not set on a firm foundation.
Without a firm foundation when storms came, I lost my way. It did not happen overnight, it was a slow fade. As I went off to college, I did not have sports to define me. I lost that high school relationship that I placed so much of my identity in. As I graduated, I fell in love and married and I hoped that would tell me who I was and who I was going to be. But my identity was shaken when the marriage failed and I was left wondering again. Lastly, my identity was in my position at church and in the church itself. But last December when the church I loved felt like it was slipping like sand through my hands, I found myself down on my knees asking God why. Why have all these things failed? I lost myself in the midst of broken relationships, I lost myself when the church fell. I became frustrated because living in a small town I felt everyone knew my story. They knew my failures and weaknesses. I didn’t want to be defined by those things. Even though I know my family and my friends and my church love me and support me, it was my own insecurities that got the best of me. I lost my passion for my community. All I wanted was a fresh start. I needed to find Holly again and find my true identity. I knew I could not do that in Pendleton. I had to get away. I needed to be on my own. God had to take me out so he could take me on a journey to reveal that my true identity is not in a reputation. It is not in a marriage. It is not in a divorce. It is not in a church. It is not even in my family. It is in Jesus and him alone. My identity in Jesus Christ can never be shaken. He is my rock and my anchor to my soul.
God has blessed me with so many wonderful people in my life. I don’t know if I would have made it through all those disappointments without my family, my church family,and my community. You have all been so supportive in this journey and in my life. I’m so grateful. Before I left for the race, my mom was talking to me and she said, “You were not proud of Holly for a long time and it literally exhausted you trying to fight those demons off. But this is your chance to win the battle.” And God has helped me, I know who I am.
It’s funny how God works. That town I could not wait to get out of, now I cannot wait to return. He took me out of Pendleton 10,000 miles away to go to 11 different communities to reignite that passion I once had for my community. That small town is apart of who I am. It has seen my good days and bad days. I love my town and the people in it, it just took me awhile to realize My community is my calling and Jesus is my identity.
