This first week has not been what I expected at all, of course right. They tell us to not have any expectations but I’ll be honest I had a few about the possible routines we would follow. This first week and a half ministry has been a bit scattered and we have a couple days as “off days” here instead of the Race’s typical one day off a week. I mostly expected to be at ministry more than we have. It’s given me an opportunity, though, to dive into something unforeseen; myself.
There has been so much more free time than training camps and such, which has been much appreciated and has truly allowed for lots of reflection about this whole new lifestyle and figuring out why I’m actually doing this and where I fit into it.
One big and different aspect of K Squad, my crew, is the documentary. I’ve mentioned this before and explained it in other posts; so check em’ out if you have no clue what I’m talking about. I’ve really had some reservations about the whole idea of our experience being filmed but have spent a longish time talking with God about it. I didn’t realize how many reservations and actual bitterness I had against the whole idea until the other night during worship.
It really was a simple worship sesh but there was something missing for me, my heart’s song just wasn’t right. Our “doc crew” was there with us and joining in this moment just like any church family would. I just kept praying for the Spirit and felt like I was just waiting for something, but did not know what. It’s obvious now what God’s plan was in that moment but I had no idea what was about to be stirred up. I got a heaviness in my chest and a shortness of breath; which is when I know God wants me to take action. I just moved, just walked over to two of our doc crew folks and spilled the beans; naming the bitterness and resentment towards the project, saying sorry for holding it against them. I never treated them wrong but when I have a bitterness in my heart I absolutely am not being truthful and kind to the person I have those feelings for. I was crying about two sentences in. I literally had no idea that I had built such a wall up to such a great project and more importantly group of people. Maureen and Kelly were so open and really receiving what I was dishing out. Maureen prayed over me and I sat back down.
Less than 5 minutes later I was prayed over to have open hands, unclenched fists through this journey. Like wow…. Basically my whole life I’ve had clenched fists to the really hard things I’ve gone though, never letting anyone give help to me and almost avoiding the life Jesus could have poured into open hands.
I really believe this is something I need to start working on, unclenching my fists to fully receive all the blessing poured out daily. Unclenching my fists to other people and actually sharing my story fully. I’m still in a debate about this with God but we’re in conversation, so don’t worry. This will definitely be a process but I am so thankful for that night and that moment of vulnerability I gave into. It’s like a weight off my shoulders but there is definitely still more to go.
this is a simple sweet post about what’s stirring in my heart and I promise when I can get some good wifi I will share some pretty awesome pictures with you all! Thanks for reading, dios the bendiga!
