This blog has been about 4 months in the making. Honestly, I’ve been thinking about how to approach this particular blog for all 4 months. That being said this blog is all about me. Something has come up on my Race that I completely never expected, but that the Lord is working in tremendous ways through.
Basically my body is falling apart. That’s the short story. They may sound dramatic but let me explain.
Waaaaaay back at training camp, last July, we took some time out during one of our sessions to discuss in a group a personal issue that needs to be grieved. This sounds different, right? But it’s good, there are plenty of things we all need to grieve about. People we thought would never hurt us, dreams that never came to fruition, some sort of innocence we lost without permission. Its healthy to look back on those things and grieve them; not dwell but grieve.
For some unknown reason to me at the time, I chose to discuss my energy level. I’ve noticed since my junior year of college I just don’t have the energy or stamina I used to have; that frustrated me; I’m only 23, I should be able to do whatever I want. Never did I think it would turn into a problem for me on the Race.
After training camp I noticed my tailbone would have pains that come and went. No big deal right? I’ll be fine, because I always am.
Guatemala and Nicaragua were pretty good. Just exhausted days and non-exhausted; at least that is how I defined them. Then came one stressful night of leaving our amazing contacts in Nicaragua, sleeping on an airport floor, a layover in LAX, a 16 hour plane to the Philippines, and somehow we lost an entire day to time-traveling.
That put my body through the ringer, I was beyond exhausted.
As my team headed through Manila in an hour long bus ride to our new ministry contacts, I was not only exhausted but nauseous and had a headache; everyone else on my team was fine, something wasn’t right.
I slept the afternoon away while my team got a tour of our new ministry site. Woke up feeling unrefreshed, did a few things and went to bed really early that night to wake up the next day in almost the same state.
Sometimes deep down in your gut you know something isn’t right.
Something hasn’t been right ever since.
Some days I wake up fine. Some days I wake up feeling so exhausted and far too heavy for my own good; its a special task just to get my body up to walk to the bathroom. Some days I wake up feeling every muscle in my body as tense as if I was trying to carry a 200lb man, especially my back. Some days I’m nauseous. Some days I have deep pains in my stomach. Some days my muscles twitch like I’ve just worked out, and All I did was walk across the room.
Something just isn’t right.
The pain became too much to handle in Thailand and I hopped on a bus headed to Chaing Mai to visit the hospital, where I had an X-ray taken of my back to make sure nothing was sitting on a nerve. All was clear but I was prescribed muscle relaxers and anti-inflammitories. Something I’ve been taking since December because symptoms haven’t completely disappeared but have gone down in intensity. Last month heading into this month just more and new symptoms keep popping up. That tailbone pain has turned into severe sciatic nerve pain that comes in waves and is quite debilitating.
In the Philippines, I broke down and had a long talk with my mom about what could be going on. We think we’ve got it pinned down but I won’t be able to know 100% what is happening until I get home. For now, I just take medicine and try to control my environment as much as I can.
Along with physical pains I have gone through just about every emotional state I can. The past three months have been filled with a lot of “why” questions.
Why is this interrupting my Race?
I’m only 23, why can’t I do whatever I want whenever?
Why me?
Why can’t this be fixed?
Why is this so painful?
Why is this so hard to describe to others?
Why do I feel like Job?
Job 6:12 “Do I have the strength of stone? Is my flesh bronze?”
7:4 “When I lie down I think, ‘How long before I get up?’ The night drags on and it’s and turn until dawn.”
Gosh it’s hard not to be angry sometimes. There came a point last month, in Cambodia, that I realized I have to stop asking why!
That’s a hard move to make, easier said than done.
Choosing joy and knowing this will be used for good. This pain I feel everyday will benefit me in the long run.
I sat down with Jesus one day this month and demanded we have a chat. It took me about 3hrs to final calm down enough to hear a simple phrase from him.
“This is beautiful, all of it.”
That’s something really hard to believe amongst the pain, the questions, the exhaustion. After talking to a teammate about it, she really just spoke life into that idea. All of this is beautiful. The dependence on my Savior for everything. Prayers and constant dialogue between us, I’m drawing closer to Him everyday for strength.
Job 7:11 “Therefore I will not keep silent; I will speak out in the anguish of my spirit, I will complain in the bitterness of my soul.”
I refuse to stop this conversation between God and I.
That’s beautiful. Even if it’s hard to believe on the days that I’m angry, it’s absolutely true. Depending on God to physically, emotionally, and mentally get me through everyday is beautiful.
This blog is really just a recap of the events that have conspired over the last 4 months. It’s safe to assume more blogs after this one are going to chronicle the ups and downs of this subject. I’m in an interesting spot on my Race I’d never thought I’d be at. Also for now all I can do to help the physical pains is pray, stretch, and take medication.
Prayers are greatly appreciated for this and any questions feel free to ask! This vulnerability has taken awhile but I’ve felt it healing me slowly in so many ways.
