counting the cost

In all
honesty, I crave the uncomfortable situation wherein I must rely on the peace
and comfort of Christ to make it through the day. That kind of desperation and
reliance on God is only something I have experienced in glimpses and long for
in length. I crave simplicity. It excites my heart and I can effortlessly
distinguish the benefits of such a lifestyle and have therefore thought little
of its sacrificial nature, but instead have seen it as a joy and opportunity.

In the past
few weeks, though, I have realized the weight of what I am surrendering to God
in this next year. I am an extremely relational person, and those who know me
well recognize my relationships are of extreme importance. This is the
principal article I have understood as a greater cost to me; much more than I
envisioned. It has driven me to a great length of mourning, and I trust there are
more tears yet to be shed.

I am also
devoted to my friends. I cannot imagine my life without being able to talk to
them about all the garbage going on in my heart and to hear their responses of
grace. I have found it difficult to operate without their words of wisdom to
guide, correct, encourage and motivate me. I do not want to miss their
laughter, thoughts, or a single lesson God has taught them.

I know the
weight of absence in my family and friends lives has the ability to crush me if
I do not realize the weight of the cost of knowing, loving, and following Jesus
Christ.

I am
counting the cost. And it is weighty. I never pictured the World Race as costing
me anything. The beauty of serving the Lord by living in solidarity with the
poor, sharing the Gospel and serving the needs of individuals throughout the
world was so appealing I could not even perceive a detrimental element of the
whole ordeal.

But here I
am. Counting the cost.

I am
ashamed to say, I have found myself wondering at times if it’s really worth it.
Being absent from everything I have built my life upon these twenty-two years.

I was
venting all of this to my close friend, Wendy (pictured left), while I was in Chicago a week
ago. I listed in length all of the things in detail I felt I was losing or
leaving behind. She listened politely as I rambled on and on, as she has made a
habit of doing our entire lives. Then she responded with so much grace and power
I do not think she knew the authority of her words in the moment. She said
something like this:

“But Jesus
never said it would be easy. In fact, I think that’s the point.”

She went on
to site a passage I knew well which goes like this: “If anyone comes to me
and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers
and sisters-yes, even his own life-he cannot be my disciple. And anyone who
does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple…” (Luke 14:26-27)

I am not
suggesting that Christ is commanding us to hate our father and mother in a
literal sense. I agree with scholars who claim that Jesus was using hyperbole
here to make a point. Let me put it this way: unless following Jesus is more
important to me than being with my friends or family, I cannot be a follower of
Christ. I am finding that following Jesus costs us our relationships. My
relationships will take a dramatic change in the coming year. I will still love
and seek to be a part of the lives of those close to me, but my physical
absence will create a significant shift in these relationships. I did not
consider this immediately. And as Christ calls me to surrender more as I
prepare to leave, I am realizing those relationships are included in the list.

The cost of
leaving those I love has weighed heavy on my heart. But Jesus did not say it
would be effortless to follow Him. In fact, He asserted the opposite. Later in
the same passage from Luke, Jesus says, “…any of you who does not give up
everything he has cannot be my disciple” (Luke 14:33).

He said it
would cost us everything.

I am
beginning to understand what everything means to me. It is good to want to love
my friends and family (Side note: My parents are pictured right) and express that love with my time and physical presence. But when Jesus has called me to leave them behind and go share the hope of the
Gospel through word and deed this next year. And when He calls us to go, we
must remember He is the better thing. He is always better.

I know that
the love of Christ is worth every moment I will miss. To know an inch more of
Him is worth everything. And I pray I know His love better every day. I am
discovering if my life were to consist only of Christ, I would have more than
enough. The Gospel of Jesus Christ actually is good news. And I am beginning to
ascertain it. And as I sit and breathe, it is worth it.

If you have
not heard the Gospel (which means “good news”), from my heart to yours, not out
of a sense of elitism but a heart that has been changed by the love of Christ,
please read the following paragraphs. The Bible says that we have all fallen
short of perfection (which is what is required for life with God- in this life
and the next- Romans 3:23 and Romans 6:23) and are in need of a Savior. Because
of God’s love for us (and desire to be in restored relationship with us), He
sent Jesus as a sacrifice for us (John 3:16). Since Jesus was both God and man,
having lived a perfect life, He accomplished the work for us by offering His
life as a sacrifice for our failure (Colossians 2:13-14). Jesus died for us and
rose again three days later (Mark 14-16). The Bible says, “If you confess
with your mouth, Jesus is Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him
from the dead, you will be saved” (Romans 10:9). It’s as simple as that.

Now, those
who believe in Him have been given the right to be called “children of God”
(John 1:12), adopted in to His family. By accepting Jesus’ blood shed for you
on the cross and the resurrection that happened three days later, you are free
to enter into the family of God and have relationship with Him (1 Corinthians
1:9; 1 John 1:3).

How amazing
is that!? What we could not do, God did for us. And what He asks for in return
is our lives. When we could not make a way to God, He provided it by way of
sacrificing Himself! He asks that we follow where He leads, love as He loves,
and live for His glory. And all of these things breathe life. I think
Christians often forget to mention that Jesus means life and freedom now. The
more I know and surrender my life to Christ, the more alive and free I am. It’s
amazing. That is so little a cost to know Jesus Christ. To know the God that
loves you so deeply, He died for the chance to be in relationship with you. And
if you have any questions at all, please send me a message under “contact me,”
I’d love to share more! This is good news!

The cost is
great, but the reward is so much greater.

Two things
keep running through my mind as I have attempted to process this whole mess in
my mind. The first is this verse: “What good is it for a man to gain the
whole world, yet forfeit his soul?” (Mark 8:35-37). If I were to gain the whole world either in
a material or relational aspect, but forfeit my soul by rejecting Christ, what
good are the things that will eventually pass?

The second
is a simple line from a Tim Hughes song called “Take the World”. It keeps
running through my mind like a Tom and Jerry cartoon.

“You can
take the world, just give me You”

Give me
Jesus.